Give Them Time, They Will Come Around

Once upon a time there lived a family. A kind man married A lovely woman and they had two children.

Sadly not every happy family can make it forever and so, this family began to fall apart when their two children were in their formidable teenage years.

In the early years both children enjoyed a close and loving relationship with both of their parents. However, when the bitterness of divorce began spreading its ugly roots within their once very happy home, the teenage children began to show distain for their father. It was inexplicable the amount of anger and hate these two loving children now held out for their father. On every issue they seemed to solely side with their mother, even the tiniest thing like what to watch on TV or where to go for dinner. If these kids believed that their mother would not like the places or choices, then neither did these teenage children. They would often refuse to spend time with their father, eat dinner with their father, or even watch television with their once cherished dad.

Prior to The failure of the marriage the kids had a close, loving relationship with both of their parents. Now their father was a loathsome creature, not worthy of consideration, care or love.
Once the divorce was final, the children completely cut their father out of their lives. They also renounced all ties with their paternal family. As well as daddy’s friends from around town.

Heartbroken, he could not understand how children he loved so deeply could turn their back on him in such a way?! How could they forget him on Father’s Day?! His birthday?! pretty much every day? His friends said, “give them time, they will come around you will see” … But they never did, until one day when his worst fear was realized.
Yes, he had just learned he had cancer, his time on earth was short.

He now reeled in the pain of regret. He was suddenly overwhelmed with regretful sadness of not BEING THERE because of their attitude towards him. Suddenly He regretted as he realized he had a right to attend every birthday, that he had not insisted upon attending even the smallest event even if it meant watching quietly from the back of the room, without drawing undue attention. He regretted missing things like graduation, their first play, their wedding day, and the birth of his grandchildren. He missed it all because he was “Waiting for them to come around”.

The pain of his suffering didn’t bode well in his battle against the big “C”. He suffered now not only from cancer but from depression as well.
A friend of the family took it upon himself to call his children to tell them it was time.

Now as adults, they rallied around him and he was in awe of them. His love for his children left him in tears every night when they left the hospital. He hung on every word they spoke, memorized every story that they told, each memory recalled, or thing they joked about; all the time he had missed “Waiting for Them to Come Around” was now laid before him by two strangers he now knew less about than he knew about his attending nurse.

Before his diagnosis he had been seeing a woman and really enjoyed her company. He asked her to marry him just two days before those terrible test results came back, she had agreed, but no date was set due to his diagnosis and the sudden the appearance of his formerly lost children. They seem to permeate every aspect of his now cut short life. They took over and routed her out. He was unable or unwilling to to limit this sudden attention of his adult children in this the final stage of his life. So every day he laid back and memorized everything about his long lost children. All the while forsaking the love of his present. Why should he care about the future? He reasoned for he had no future. It was this sudden, unexpected, and long dreamed about arrival in his present that he was so stunned by that really nothing else mattered to him. Forsaking all others, he simply watched his children as he rapidly faded and died.

Because of state laws the actual people in charge of the funeral where his children. Even though they knew nothing of his desires for internment. they had not asked him if he wanted to be buried or cremated, and once again due to his amazement of their sudden appearance in his life, he never mentioned how he wanted his funeral handled. Even if he had told them how he wanted his body handled or how he wanted his estate handled, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have cared. He was after all nothing more than a stranger whom they shared genetic code with . They really didn’t remember him from their childhood. He had not attended any important events and didn’t even know their spouses so they thought nothing of having him cremated and throwing his ashes in the middle of a lake. How were they to know that he could not even swim?

The next day, the children cleaned out their father’s home . Swiftly, carelessly removing items that were quite obviously items belonging to his fiancé. They placed everything with the state seller who could get rid of all of his stuff within a week and for a nominal fee. Next they hired a real estate agent sold his property and split the money three ways mom and two kids.

No one thought about his parents, their paternal family. Sadly they hadn’t seen or cared to hear from their father’s parents, their own grandparents, in years. The grandparents did not get to attend the funeral, did not get to say goodbye to their son, and in fact they never again saw their grandchildren.

Sadly, they learned of their sons death by reading an obituary in the newspaper mailed by a friend some 10 days after the funeral.

They weren’t really that close to him but they definitely loved him. They always sent their grandchildren birthday, Christmas, and other occasional cards with money inside. They did this despite never receiving A card, a return reply, “Thank You” call or correspondence. Their son wrote to them often but since his divorce had remained aloof.

One friend said: “Who disowns their own grandmother?”

Alienated children, that’s who.

They came back into their father’s life just long enough to benefit from his death; conveniently showing up so that hospital staff and social workers would defer to his kids instead of a truly involved, mother, father, sister, brother, fiancé or other relative for his final wishes. Oh, They came around all right, just not in the way he thought they would.

I’m sure, in the mind of an alienated child, this is acceptable and maybe even normal behavior. After all they were taught daddy is a lowlife and he ruined our family so now they’re going to get what they feel they deserve.

That concept is One of the most frightening and abhorrent things about Parental Alienation victims behaviors: it is mystifying and wrong in every aspect. No matter if you’re the alienator, the alienated or an adult, untreated, child of acrimonious divorce, you do not comprehend A true family unit or fully understand how families should work, Sadly many of you do you not know at all what real love is like.

It isn’t just the children who need help it’s the alienator the ex-spouse, or even someone else involved in the situation such as an in-law or a stepparent if they participate in alienating behavior they need help. The estranged ex-spouse certainly needs help, and don’t ever forget the children because they are our future and if they don’t know how to love this world is in serious trouble.

the children think their behavior is natural and ordinary. Is it typical for a person to disown half of their family? When you’ve been raised by an alienating parent, unfortunately, the answer is yes Source: Waiting until illness descends upon a Targeted Parent

I AM THE ALIENATOR

I AM THE ALIENATOR
by
Karen Woodall

I am an alienator. You know me well. You lived with me once and you witnessed my behavior patterns but you did not spend time studying and internalizing them. I know your behavior patterns better than you know them yourself. I know how to measure you, test you and control you. I know what your hooks are and I know that the depth of the love for your children is a weakness I can exploit. I am an emotional terrorist. I will terrify you into submission. You will do as I tell you to do, if you do not, I will take your children away.

I am an alienator, you didn’t notice that when we lived together but I began my work long before we went our separate ways. I created fissures and fractures within our family and I managed and manipulated reality, though for a long time you did not notice that.

I am an alienator, at times in the past you felt a chill wind blow through you when my moods changed as I raged and then sweet talked you to smooth the ripples in your growing awareness. My mind is distorted but the projection of shadows causes you to believe it is yours which has failed you. Eventually you came to believe that it was you and not I who was crazy. You shivered as I turned down the gas light.

When you appeal to the outside world for assistance I will turn my most charming face to the sun and open my arms wide and beseech them to believe that I only want the best for my children. I will widen my eyes and up turn my palms and say ‘what can I do when they don’t want to see you’ and suck into my airspace all those who attempt to bring change to the lives of the weapons I know I can use.

My children are assets, collateral, extensions of plans that I make to wreak my revenge upon people who challenge my views or attempt to remove the control that I have in my life.

My children are satellites orbiting sunshine coming only from me – you could never compete with the warmth that I wind around each of their hearts so that only my love is enough; making yours surplus, not needed, discarded like clothes that you bought and I won’t let them wear.

I am all that they need.

You are not.

When our love ended my rage recruited our children to a campaign of
revenge that joins us together against you.

In my mind your betrayal awakened the traumas of people long dead and ignited the fuse that lead to the bomb that blew up our lives. Now, the souls of our children are hostage to wrongs which come howling from hell and you are helpless to hold back the tide which will sweep you and they to the death that is living with losing your children whilst they are still breathing. Your loss not mine which you and not I will have to survive.
Sometimes you mirror me, two perfect projections that weave webs of destruction that sever our children in two, one side light, one side dark, you there in the shadows.

But mostly it is because I cannot see my behaviours, I am blind to the sight of myself in the mirror. The only reflection I need is the love of my children to feed me and give me a sense of my self which I lost even before I was born.

I am the alienator, annihilator, terminator. My aim is to end, by fair means or foul, your place in the hearts and the lives of your children.
I am easily spotted by those who know me but invisible to those who do not. You will spend your time, your energy and money telling them I am behind this whilst I smile and continue to shred the trust our children once held in you. I am an alienator even when I do not know it and the failure to see the shadows I cast in the projections I throw onto you, is the fault of a system so blinded by bias it is frozen like the minds of our children, the children being harmed right under the noses of those who should know how to help them but sadly, do not.

In the plain sight of you and of them, the lives of the children you love are stolen, erased and extinguished.

And your anguish and pain are the gifts that I treasure.

And your suffering compensates for the things I perceive you to have done.

And whilst chaos reigns and the system colludes with my delusions, the power I seek remains mine.

Along with the children.

Whose eyes are wide open but able to see nothing at all.

Walking into Walls

Keep on Walking Into Walls of Pain

WHAT WAS I THINKING? I don’t know why I did it, I must be a glutton for punishment. Yesterday I decided to call my musically talented daughter Wanda June Wesolowski (www.wandawesolowski.bandcamp.com) because I missed her AND because I was attending a Jason Mraz / Raining Jane concert and wanted to know if she wanted an autograph or shirt or something.
So I dialed her number. She answered asked who was calling and as soon as she heard it was her “Momma” she hung up on me.

Pain.
Agony.
A myriad of hurt feelings flooded over me. How can she hate me so much?! I have done NOTHING to harm her, I have only loved her, and she can’t even show me the kindness of a 5 minute phone call?

Of course I am human and pain, as I have earlier posted, can sometimes swiftly turn to anger. She is 19 years old. I don’t know what lies they have told her about me; I have no idea what kind of terrible things she must believe about me that would give her such resolve to remove me from her life. To ALIENATE me from her life so completely.

Words of anger flash in my mind like the flashing red lights of a train track warning barrier. Words I never want to think of in the context of any of my children. Then the flood of guilt for having mean thoughts toward her. This reminded me of the Alec Baldwin embarrassment when he made unkind remarks to his alienated daughter and they were made public. I am sure he was reacting out of pain that had burned into white hot anger. God bless the Baldwin Family, and may God forgive me for the angry thoughts I had about my daughter.

With her musical talent she tells the world how she is going to “call her Momma tonight”, she never did, so the main word I have that while I regret feeling in such a hostile fashion is HYPOCRITE. I can’t help it, I am only human. I’m deeply hurt by her refusal to communicate with me.

So the moral of this story is, walking into walls put in place by alienating custodial parents still hurts even when the child is grown, maybe it even hurts more then because there is an expectation that the mature child would at lest give you an opportunity to love again.

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My Side, my confession, my accusation, an open letter to my Children

An open letter to my Children, Charlene, Libby, Wanda and Daniel,

I know that you have been taught to hate me.

I feel that your hate toward me is undeserved.

I know that your father told you I left you. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Your mommy didn’t leave you babies. Your mommy loves you so much. What happened was a planned methodical excisement of me from your lives, and your hearts. What happened was your father has told lies, committed many acts of emotional abuse toward me, and has literally brainwashed you children into thinking that I am despicable.. My children, please know that I try to live by this rule: “Love your God above all others and love your neighbor as you love yourself”. I have to confess that I have such anger toward your daddy for all the pain he has caused me, for leaving me to live in squallor while he lives the life of Riley, and MOST OF ALL I have anger for his poisioning you against me.

His was such a well thought out plan that your daddy tricked to me into signing a document called it quit claim deed about 6 months BEFORE the divorce he filed. He did trick me because he brought it to me when I was in the hospital and told me I had to sign it. I was so heavily medicated I didn’t even know my name. I was on high doses of Depakote and Seraquil and Lithium when I signed that document. The document removed my rights to the house on Manningham drive.

I know your daddy told you that I was unfaithful to him. I wonder if he ever told you how many women know him intimately? Did he ever tell you that he was on a first name basis with the *ladies* at the Silverdollar gentleman’s club? Or that he slept with the lady who had the pool, the one who lives on Danny’s Street who moved to Texas? Did he tell you that when he traveled he was in the company of other women, did he tell you about the hot tubs and the saunas on his too frequent business trips? Did he tell you about the cat houses in Juarez, Mexico? Did he tell you that we thought that he fathered a son born around the same time as Charlene? As I understand it he even took a paternity test. Did he tell you that he slept with Phyllis who is now Charlie’s wife? These are only the ones I know about; imagine what I don’t know.

Don’t you stop and wonder how daddy has herpes and mommy does not? Yet still you believe that I was the only sinner in our family?

Now I will tell you about my affair. For 14 long years I never felt that Chuck loved me as he should. He never opened a door for me, he used to walk about 10 feet in front of me in public, he never wanted to hold my hand, or show any affection… he even forgot me at a mall and the airport. When I was in labor with Charlene he spent 6 hours on the phone with his old girlfriend Angela, and guess what, when I was in labor with Libby he got a call from her again! She moved to Abbingdon Downs around the time we started falling apart, coincidence? NO WAY! He never paid attention to the things that I needed and so when I met a man named Saco at a gem show in Tucson it was very easy for me to think that this was love. It was his kind nature, his consideration of me, how he treated me, like I was a person and not a piece of the furniture, that made me really foolishly fall in love with Saco.

We spent 30 days together we talked all the time we shared each other’s life stories and we became really good friends. We both had others in our lives and we never even touched until the last night of the gem show, and I honestly don’t think it would have happened except we were drunk.

Saco and I remained friends, we designed jewelry together, and we spoke frequently and sent email but not inappropriately. I kept remembering how nice it was to feel like someone cared about me. I kept wishing that your dad would show me that same consideration. You know he says he loved me but it just didn’t feel like that it felt like I was taken for granted by him. I could have been a maid for all he seemed to care.

I tried to suppress my feelings for Saco and he tried to suppress his feelings for me. We did not want to hurt anybody especially you kids his woman and my husband.

I had to go to Thailand to pick up a jewelry order for the jewelry store. I asked your dad to go with me. I asked him many times and he refused, he said he had no desire to go to Thailand. I was a little afraid to go alone and so even though, I shouldn’t of done it, I asked Saco, he agreed. We flew into Bangkok, Thailand together I think it was March 2000. It was an exciting, romantic, wonderful, joyful, and yes, sexual adventure. For 10 days we pretended that we were young lovers who hadn’t a care in the world.

Those 10 days will never be forgotten and those 10 days will be paid for, for the rest of my life. Would I do it again if I could go back in time? No way! I miss you guys so much! 10 days, 10 years, even a lifetime of romance is not worth the loss of the love of your children. If I could do it over again I would’ve stayed home. No question about it.
 
My darling children I love you.

If I told you that every day my heart breaks a little bit more would you believe it?

If I told you that every day I wake up and think of you and want to just cry and cry because I miss you so much would you believe it?

If I told you that not a single moment passes in which I don’t feel love for you, would you believe it?

This divorce was not about you kids at all. However, I believe that since the divorce you children have become pawns in a game designed to hurt me as much as I must have hurt your father. I personally believe that your dad is so angry with me about Saco that he cannot forgive me. I think because of his anger he has done everything in his power to ruin my life. Of course the easiest way to hurt a mother is to remove her from her children.

This is my Truth, My Confession, My turn to speak. More later.