Eric Clapton on Healing From Trauma

When Eric Clapton’s son died in a tragic and horrible accident at age four, Eric turned to writing words and music for healing. He feels that this saved him—going to that place of raw and tender emotion and writing about his loss, in what he calls “a purging experience.”

He has survived separation from his mother at an early age, drug and alcohol addiction, the loss of his son, and managed to come through it all and remained sane and whole. How?
“I think it’s the process of letting it go, acknowledging that I’m not the master. It ain’t about what I want, it’s about what I can give.”

“The greatest thing that I have is being awake for my life, and being able to participate, and having no more dark secrets inside which damage me.”

Eric’s healing is a beautiful expression of heartfulness, as mindfulness, compassion, and responsibility:

Being mindful—awake, aware, present in one’s life, actively participating in its moment to moment unfolding, rather than being mindless, forgetful, numbing oneself with drugs, alcohol, and empty pleasures.
Accepting one’s vulnerability, letting go, surrendering, accepting that one can never always master life and be in control of one’s fate.
Going into the darkness, embracing the traumas, wounds, regrets, mistakes, shortcomings, that make one fallible and imperfectly human, as these are what make you who you are.
Gently touching these tender places inside our hearts, witnessing, and helping the hurts to find a way out through art, music, and storytelling.
Acknowledging that ultimately life is not about what you want, but listening to what life wants from you, and heeding the calling.
Finding a sense of purpose in your creation, and what life deals you, and giving what you can in gratitude to all that you have received.

Give Them Time, They Will Come Around

Once upon a time there lived a family. A kind man married A lovely woman and they had two children.

Sadly not every happy family can make it forever and so, this family began to fall apart when their two children were in their formidable teenage years.

In the early years both children enjoyed a close and loving relationship with both of their parents. However, when the bitterness of divorce began spreading its ugly roots within their once very happy home, the teenage children began to show distain for their father. It was inexplicable the amount of anger and hate these two loving children now held out for their father. On every issue they seemed to solely side with their mother, even the tiniest thing like what to watch on TV or where to go for dinner. If these kids believed that their mother would not like the places or choices, then neither did these teenage children. They would often refuse to spend time with their father, eat dinner with their father, or even watch television with their once cherished dad.

Prior to The failure of the marriage the kids had a close, loving relationship with both of their parents. Now their father was a loathsome creature, not worthy of consideration, care or love.
Once the divorce was final, the children completely cut their father out of their lives. They also renounced all ties with their paternal family. As well as daddy’s friends from around town.

Heartbroken, he could not understand how children he loved so deeply could turn their back on him in such a way?! How could they forget him on Father’s Day?! His birthday?! pretty much every day? His friends said, “give them time, they will come around you will see” … But they never did, until one day when his worst fear was realized.
Yes, he had just learned he had cancer, his time on earth was short.

He now reeled in the pain of regret. He was suddenly overwhelmed with regretful sadness of not BEING THERE because of their attitude towards him. Suddenly He regretted as he realized he had a right to attend every birthday, that he had not insisted upon attending even the smallest event even if it meant watching quietly from the back of the room, without drawing undue attention. He regretted missing things like graduation, their first play, their wedding day, and the birth of his grandchildren. He missed it all because he was “Waiting for them to come around”.

The pain of his suffering didn’t bode well in his battle against the big “C”. He suffered now not only from cancer but from depression as well.
A friend of the family took it upon himself to call his children to tell them it was time.

Now as adults, they rallied around him and he was in awe of them. His love for his children left him in tears every night when they left the hospital. He hung on every word they spoke, memorized every story that they told, each memory recalled, or thing they joked about; all the time he had missed “Waiting for Them to Come Around” was now laid before him by two strangers he now knew less about than he knew about his attending nurse.

Before his diagnosis he had been seeing a woman and really enjoyed her company. He asked her to marry him just two days before those terrible test results came back, she had agreed, but no date was set due to his diagnosis and the sudden the appearance of his formerly lost children. They seem to permeate every aspect of his now cut short life. They took over and routed her out. He was unable or unwilling to to limit this sudden attention of his adult children in this the final stage of his life. So every day he laid back and memorized everything about his long lost children. All the while forsaking the love of his present. Why should he care about the future? He reasoned for he had no future. It was this sudden, unexpected, and long dreamed about arrival in his present that he was so stunned by that really nothing else mattered to him. Forsaking all others, he simply watched his children as he rapidly faded and died.

Because of state laws the actual people in charge of the funeral where his children. Even though they knew nothing of his desires for internment. they had not asked him if he wanted to be buried or cremated, and once again due to his amazement of their sudden appearance in his life, he never mentioned how he wanted his funeral handled. Even if he had told them how he wanted his body handled or how he wanted his estate handled, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have cared. He was after all nothing more than a stranger whom they shared genetic code with . They really didn’t remember him from their childhood. He had not attended any important events and didn’t even know their spouses so they thought nothing of having him cremated and throwing his ashes in the middle of a lake. How were they to know that he could not even swim?

The next day, the children cleaned out their father’s home . Swiftly, carelessly removing items that were quite obviously items belonging to his fiancé. They placed everything with the state seller who could get rid of all of his stuff within a week and for a nominal fee. Next they hired a real estate agent sold his property and split the money three ways mom and two kids.

No one thought about his parents, their paternal family. Sadly they hadn’t seen or cared to hear from their father’s parents, their own grandparents, in years. The grandparents did not get to attend the funeral, did not get to say goodbye to their son, and in fact they never again saw their grandchildren.

Sadly, they learned of their sons death by reading an obituary in the newspaper mailed by a friend some 10 days after the funeral.

They weren’t really that close to him but they definitely loved him. They always sent their grandchildren birthday, Christmas, and other occasional cards with money inside. They did this despite never receiving A card, a return reply, “Thank You” call or correspondence. Their son wrote to them often but since his divorce had remained aloof.

One friend said: “Who disowns their own grandmother?”

Alienated children, that’s who.

They came back into their father’s life just long enough to benefit from his death; conveniently showing up so that hospital staff and social workers would defer to his kids instead of a truly involved, mother, father, sister, brother, fiancé or other relative for his final wishes. Oh, They came around all right, just not in the way he thought they would.

I’m sure, in the mind of an alienated child, this is acceptable and maybe even normal behavior. After all they were taught daddy is a lowlife and he ruined our family so now they’re going to get what they feel they deserve.

That concept is One of the most frightening and abhorrent things about Parental Alienation victims behaviors: it is mystifying and wrong in every aspect. No matter if you’re the alienator, the alienated or an adult, untreated, child of acrimonious divorce, you do not comprehend A true family unit or fully understand how families should work, Sadly many of you do you not know at all what real love is like.

It isn’t just the children who need help it’s the alienator the ex-spouse, or even someone else involved in the situation such as an in-law or a stepparent if they participate in alienating behavior they need help. The estranged ex-spouse certainly needs help, and don’t ever forget the children because they are our future and if they don’t know how to love this world is in serious trouble.

the children think their behavior is natural and ordinary. Is it typical for a person to disown half of their family? When you’ve been raised by an alienating parent, unfortunately, the answer is yes Source: Waiting until illness descends upon a Targeted Parent

I Die a Little Every Day

I knew it was too good to be true…I always regret not listening to my instincts…

Since the birth of mt first granddaughter in JulyI have begun to have some contact with my children (youngest 18 as of this writing)… They have been respectful, caring, and thoughtful for the most part. I have gone to ‘Bama 3 times, on invites this year and that has given me some hope that things will get better… Well there was a glitch when I went to Troy for 5 days to only be able to speak to my son for an hour and a half, due to iPhone  failure (maybe, but I’m beginning to doubt that was the problem).

Being invited to the birth of my beautiful granddaughter was one of the happiest moments of my life.  TRULY!  Then back in October for her Mommy’s birthday was also a wonderful experience. Thanks Libby!

My eldest still won’t give me the time of day and she says I didn’t let her have a childhood…  I can’t fix that.  If I could, I would.

My folk singer/songwriting daughter has begun texting, and I love her more each day.  Will it last?  She was the one who said that this blog is “A HORRIBLE Blog about her family” and she wanted me to take it down.  I told her I would remove anything she could demonstrate was false.  So far the entire site remains up.

That leaves my wonderful youngest, Dan’. His recent actions have caused me to doubt the sincerity of anyone in my life, and my judgement is once again something I am unwilling to trust, at least for right now.  Let me tell you, it is a hard place to be where you can’t trust yourself.

I wasn’t going to write this out because it really freaking hurts, but I have received many private emails and I understand that somehow me telling my awful story is helping a lot of people cope with their own strained relations.  So I am going to tell you exactly what I am seriously depressed and heartbroken over this holiday season.

As I mentioned I was at Troy for 5 days and only saw my son for an hour and a half.  He was quiet and seemed uncomfortable.  I hugged him tight when we said goodnight, went to my room and cried a mixture of elated and devastated tears for about 3 hours and then tried to sleep… Fail of course, so I watched news all night packed and left a bit early for the airport.

During our short time I felt there was no connection made, It was an empty visit, but my love for him is strong.  He was four when our family disintegrated and he really knows me the least of all my kids. I keep forgetting that at four there isn’t much memory that will survive the next 14 years.

It is my experience that people can be shitty to people they have no connection with assuming they are the type who are inclined to be shitty to others.  It seems harder for people to hurt other people when there is a bond between them, however small.  This is my opinion and I will say that there are exceptions, however, those exceptions are usually steeped in pure evil, pure psychopathology, or pure hatred.  I do not believe that my son is evil, nor do I think him to be a psychopath, so that leaves EXTREME ANGER as the only justification I am willing  to believe is the root cause for his recent treatment of me.

What did he do that was so bad you ask?  He lied to me, a lot.  Lied about his Father and Step Mom, lied about his car, and I have learned that he is lying to everyone about his ab/use of alcohol as well.  Then when I confronted him about lying to me he fired off a letter that could only have been written out of one of those three categories above.  I still think ANGER is the culprit.  No “Loving Son” would dream of writing such mean, ill-mannered, abusive letter to a mother that s/he respected.  No way!  Before I share these scathing words with you allow me to preempt by stating unequivocally almost everything in his wicked letter is a lie he has been fed by someone in a position of authority in his life, and who harbors me ill will. The ALIENATORS. The people who felt my son should “understand these things” about me alienated us and there can be no denying of that fact.  ALMOST all of what he wrote is a lie.

This is breaking me down again

 

A Letter From Before My Divorce

Wesolowski, Charles 6/10/02
To: Charles.wesolowski@XXXX.com
charles.wesolowski@XXXX.com

Hi Chuck,

After that phone call I had a lot of time to think; in fact, I can’t sleep for all the thinking I am doing.

You clever little man, puting all the things in your name; like the house and the cars, and then really, honestly, pretending like this was all my doing. You have been planning this divorce for a long time. Haven’t you?

I gave you my best years. I bore four children and let you name them. I took your inattention for over a decade. I plead with you, I argued with you and finally I began to nag at you to do the things that most husbands do automatically. Things like get the sox off the sofa, change lightbulbs, mow lawns, and most importantly to make love to me, and for over a decade my requests, pleas, and finally nagging went unheaded. When I think of all the nights I lie awake in bed while you were downstairs talking to Trent on the phone; or playing a PC game, or reading a book, or perhaps watching the TV… and I all I wanted was to feel your love… but you never touched me on those nights… It makes me feel so utterly small. Oh my the night that I really did beg you to come make love to me. And I was rebuffed by you, and a few hours later, as I lie in bed awake pining for your touch to hear the sound of soft porn music coming from the TV, to quietly tiptoe down the hall and see you on the couch masturbating… Do you have any idea how hurt I was that night, and how certian I was then that you really didn’t love me. Not the way a husband loves his wife.

You use the words “I love you” so frequently when you talk to me on the phone; even now after you have filed for a divorce from me, even now you tell me everytime we talk that you love me… and then you tell me that I do not know what love is. The fact of the matter is that I DO know what love is. Love is grace, it is powerful, and it complles us (humans) to do the right thing by each other. Love ensures us that we do not thirst for a human touch when we have true love… Love ensures us that when we are sad we are held; when we are happy we laugh, and when we are angry we know that the power that is love will not go away simply because anger has clouded our judgement. True love does not accept divorce as any type of answer to life’s problems, be they financial or otherwise. True love does not allow its children to be torn apart inside… Taken from one parent’s home to the other… A person who loves their children more than they love themselves does NOT do this to their kids. A selfish person divorces because he or she can not take the full responsibility of the committment they made to thier spouse and the child at the time it was conceived. The responsibility to give the child THE BEST upbringing possible with the MOST amount of Love.

Having the children here over the weekend made me realize once again how utterly selfish you are. You do not care what is best for them and once again you place YOUR NEEDS above the needs of your children and also me. I NEED my children to be happy. Our children NEED to feel my love every day; not when the courts so deem it. They need MY LOVE all the time. I know that you know this is true. They need YOUR LOVE every day as well. I can not be a willing participant in this divorce. This will cause irreprable harm to our kids. I can see it taking it’s toll already. I am once again pleading with you to STOP THIS NOW.

I can not, in good conscious, just sit back and let you tear four lives to pieces. You are not acting with the grace of God. Let he who lives without sin cast the first stone. Please come to your senses and stop this immediately. Even if you are not going to be “happy” for the next 18 years (or whatever); it is your job to make sure your children are happy. I will never accept a divorce. I know this is NOT the answer; I have committed my life to my children for most of the past 13 years and I will not willingly participate in something I know will harm them permanently like this divorce is doing and will continue to hurt them.

You always want things your way, but this is not something I am willing to budge on. I am not giving you a divorce and will fight it with every breath in my body. Children need 2 parents, not a granny and a part time dad. Your depriving me of being with my kids is very harmful to them. My son cried in my arms both days saying he wants to be with me. I know that he needs his mommy right now. I know all of my kids need their Mom right now. And I also know that I am their mother. Your mother is NOT.

~ ~ ~ ~

Resolution…

Immediately revoke the request for a divorce. Request a refund of the money not used from your retainer.

Tell your mother to go back to her own life. I will take care of getting my kids to and from where they need to be and I will do their homework with them, and I do not need her help – at all.

Come with me to talk to Rick on Tuesday about the Ranch house. Use the refund to place the money on that lot to hold it until we sell our house.

Start working WITH ME to clear out all the stuff we do not need anylonger, we can have Garage sales every day if we need to and just put that money toward debt and make you feel better. Stop making it a challenge to see who can do the least.

Start paying exclusive attention to each other in the bedroom for at least 1/2 hour a day. Touching each other, and making each other feel physically good. EQUALLY.

Drop the Saco and I will drop the HOA and we call it even mistakes with the divorce included and we go on. We work around it. We go to a local counsellor if we need to until retrovallie, and we just keep working on it. If it was easy 2 out of 3 couples would not be breaking up. But so what. We can do this.

~ ~ ~ ~

Let me know Monday.

Make the right decision.

I do love you, you are my best friend. Stop hurting me.

The difference between tattooed people and those without tattoos is tattoed people don’t care if you have a tattoo.

A Pingback to “A Beautiful Life” with Reality Check

My Reply to A Beautiful Life A beautiful life.
Hi there,
I don’t mean to pee in your Cheerios but I just gotta say, yes, there is wisdom in this point of view, especially if it helps you get through some trauma. It isn’t very realistic though for people who are facing serious events like war torn villages in the Middle East, a woman being raped, a person being killed for not following a religion or participating in a Jihad… These and many other awful things DO happen to people every day. Putting on rose colored glasses, trying to see the beauty in ugly things, this creates apathy. In my opinion, It is dangerous to be apathetic.

Please do, try to find the beauty in the wonders of the world but please don’t pretend that you can blindfold yourself to the HARD, OVERWHELMING PAINFUL reality of evil that is present in our world and which we must fight to overcome.

God Bless and Keep You,
Leah (Lovesblues)

Goodbye, I love you. How can this change? {replies requested}

I Don’t Want To Leave Without Saying “Good Bye, I Love You”

  The way my ADULT children feel about me and their lack of contact with me, I can’t do a DAMN thing about.  I am trying with much difficulty to accept the things I cannot change (as the 12 steppers pray)…   Not having them in my life really hurts, but then, as we have discussed in my previous posts, that pain has a way of morphing into anger.  I find my thoughts golden and glowing brightly with love for all of my children, and then I get this urge to contact them… that urge to know them, talk to them, contact them, reminds me they will not answer, or worse, hang up and if I make that phone call I might as well go walking into a wall because I will end up hurt, (sigh) again. The thought of their rejection brings on my anger. As I start to get angry, I relive the things that I have done, and that have been done to me, and then that anger grows…  I hate the anger that exists in my psyche now.  I have never been an angry person.  I have been told by people that the one thing they recall about me growing up, was a constant smile.  That smile which is now so rare.

   Today, I was thinking about my recent bout with cancer, (this is my third bout and victory over cancer), and I thought “WHAT IF I DIE WITHOUT SEEING THEM AGAIN?”  I can’t bear this thought.  My death, could be long and arduous, or it could be a short and swift.  I don’t know how or when I will die, but I know FOR SURE that I don’t want to leave this world with my children full of animosity toward me.  I don’t want to go without them knowing I love them and never meant for this to happen to our family.  I don’t want to die without apologizing for any and all ways that I have wronged or hurt them.  I want them to know that I LOVE, Love, LOVE them so much!

   The opposing thought then invaded my busy, self defeating, thought racing, bi-polar brain.  What if one or more, of my children were to die today!?!  I would not have been allowed to say “Good bye, I love you”  they would think the horrible things they have been brainwashed to believe about me for eternity… This thought hurt me more than words can sufficiently express.

   My mind screeched, “THIS IS SO UNFAIR!”  Yes, as adults, they have free will.  They can’t be forced into any type of therapy, they can’t be made to listen to my side, or to understand a painful divorce and things that went very wrong in our marriage NEVER meant that I didn’t love them.  I have no ability to get through to them, to apologize for leaving, to show them my love.  I have lost them and with them I have lost a piece of my soul so large that I barely breathe anymore.

  I take responsibility for leaving, I do!  I still believe leaving was the only way I knew how to survive, how to deal with his post divorce treatment of me.

   My Doctor thinks an anti-depressant will help me.  I disagree. She says that people should “get up and LIVE their lives“, and I agree with her on that point.  Except when I get out there, in every crowd, every visage, every moment, I see something that makes me think of my kids and that painful anger sears my soul a little more once again.  Also, on those rare occaisions when I do “get out there“, if I find that bright childhood smile on my face I actually feel guilty.  Ridiculous I know, but it is true, I feel guilt because there are actually moments I am not thinking of them.  HOW DARE ME!

    I once told a therapist that “When shitty things happen to a person it is completely normal for that person to feel shitty.”  Well I feel beyond shitty much of the time, I feel helpless and emotionally eviscerated, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it;  OR IS THERE?

   I am open to suggestions if you, my dear readers, have any.

Would you like to know one of the things I have considered?  Well I’ll tell you.  I have considered having ECT (electro convulsive therapy) in order to obliterate these painful memories.  Erase the memory of my children from my brain, like Carey’s character in “The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind”.  It didn’t work for him though, and I don’t really believe it would work for me.  Yet I have considered it many times.

   So what other things?  Pour myself into a project. That’s funny, I try that too, I say try because I am continuously trying to find something, anything, to keep my mind off this horrible pain.  My house is filled with project after project, some partially started, some not even out of the bag, none of them complete, because it simply did not work.

   So what else? My life has always revolved around music… that really is the one thing that even the painful intrusive thoughts can’t excise from my short repertoire of enjoyment.  Alas, I fear that the enjoyment of music might be in peril of being lost at this point in my life.  Deafness is encroaching upon my ability to understand lyrics, and I also feel it is effecting the way I sound both when I talk and sing.  Boy, do I sing. “Loud and Proud” my voice coach used to say… now I am told too frequently I am talking too loud.  I can’t imagine what people must think of my singing.

  So again, I ask, how can I move past the pain? I have been divorced for 12 years, but my youngest son only rejected me this past year. He is 17, and the loss his love, of our talks, and texts may have been just enough to really damage me.  FUBAR!

  Can I reach out to them somehow, show them that what they have been lead to believe is false?  HOW?

   “Back off” my friends say, “they will eventually come around“.

 What if they miraculously do come around and I am already dead?

Leah