“In a 2016 scientific paper, DSM authors Dr. Narrow and Dr. Wamboldt say that parental alienation may be diagnosed as Child Affected by Parental Alienation Distress (V61.29) if one is talking about the child. Parental alienation may be diagnosed as Child Psychological Abuse (V995.51) if one is talking about a parent alienating their child. This confirms that parental alienation is indeed in DSM-5.”
I didn’t see/have my son, Drew, for two Halloweens in a row…. Although I have regular access to my son and our relationship is tight, that wasn’t always the case. I was given the task of buying costume materials and making his costume by hand, but not ‘allowed’ to see him over Halloween, which is not my holiday. It’s still a trigger for me, and from what I have learned about C-PTSD, these triggers are something I have to learn to live with. The hyper vigilance, feeling unsafe… all of it…. it isn’t something that goes away at all… I can honestly say I am doing much better now that I was 60 days ago. About 4 or 5 months ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, it was horrifying and embarrassing. It also explained so much of my behavior that had never made sense to me. Holidays without my son are triggering, but knowing this, I am able to make plans to distract myself over the holidays or any special day/event in which the little guy in my life isn’t with me. How do I survive them? I let go of the every toxic thought in my mind. It’s easier said than done. I have had to learn to dial my stress factor down before I reach my anxiety threshold. As I have mentioned before, I got very sick just over a year ago…. I was worn out… I had nothing left in me…. I was so worried about the son I never had access to, that I landed in the ER and stayed for a while. My iron, potassium etc were depleted. Transfusions etc were necessary for an extended hospital stay.
I was so worried when baby daddy began making trouble for me and my 3 month old. A disgusting excuse for a human being he was, and still is. My son had a speech delay. I forced through a court order I wrote for weekly speech therapy, that’s how I parented in those days, by pushing my orders through the court system till they tired of it. With my handy fee waiver, I found I could get the court’s attention by costing them an arm and a leg. Don’t knock the method, it works, I’m living proof and so is Drew. I was constantly so worried that he was hurting and couldn’t express it. I almost worried myself to death with toxic thoughts. I imagined the worst… A life full of all kinds of abuse at the hands of a man who didn’t think twice about abusing me in several ways, repeatedly. It was killing me. My son was subjected to maternal deprivation and attempts at parental alienation. I wrote a court order for co-parenting therapy and despite his sickening attempts to pussy out of it with a fake CPO, the court no longer caters to him. Title 9 pays out only once moms, never fear. I got my co-parenting therapy orders upheld, and have been in co-parenting therapy for a couple of months now. My son’s interactions with me changed significantly. I bring my son’s behaviors to the attention of the counselor who exposes every email baby daddy sends her in our sessions. We have a no secrets policy. Everyone knows everything. This was not obtained easily. The sessions are annoying and I’d rather be anywhere else, but this is what is best for Drew, and for me, that is all that matters.
Toxic thoughts are caused by extreme stress. Stress comes at you in the form of predetermined custody evaluations, judgements and thoughts of your child feeling abandoned or alone. Without communication with your children, a parent often feels guilty for smiling and resents things and people that cause them to smile, as if being happy without your child is a crime. It isn’t. In fact, it will be the only thing to get you through it. If you’re case is anything like mine (and I’ll bet you a million bucks it is), the non custodial parent gets a report that describes the life of a rockstar. Sex, drugs and rock and roll. I was accused of dating someone weird while I hadn’t dated up to that point since my son was born. I was accused of everything under the sun, why? I had zero affection or feelings ever for this man. I was about to leave the country for work, he decided he couldn’t stand me being with anyone else or being happy. So he took the son he had blackmailed me to abort. It’s punishment, he once told the court, for the way she treats me. She doesn’t deserve to see her son. Yes, baby daddy is a total loser and no, he hasn’t had a single date since I walked out the door. I have no had quite a few, and even a relationship. Despite my custody trauma, I have a life. Creating that other life is the only thing that saved me. The ability to let go a little has given me much in return: my sanity. Toxic thoughts are ANY thoughts that rob you of positive feelings, thoughts that leave you feeling negative. In order to win your battle, you need to survive it first, don’t you? This isn’t an essay on how to be happy, it’s about why you NEED to be happy to survive. Like Mario Brothers (yeah, I’m THAT old), it takes a lot time, determination and perseverance to save the princess. You need friends, pets, games and laughs to get to the last level…. and even when you get to the final level (court trial) you may need a few more tries before completing your mission.
Repression or suppression of toxic thoughts is how we temporarily deal with the emotions that are generated by anger, loss, sadness or trauma. This gives your mind a chance to catch up with loss or trauma by experiencing a temporary amnesia. However, the toxic emotions that are repressed don’t go away. You can bury your emotions, but you need to know you are burying something that remains alive, and that is a horrible prospect. It’s not surprising that your mind perceives suppressed emotions as fear. That fear remains unless you deal with it. You can consciously decide to deny or reject an emotion that is uncomfortable, but once you have done so, it goes into your non-conscious mind in a process called automatization: you first do it consciously and then train yourself to continue until it becomes an automatic reaction. This is not the way your brain deal best with toxic emotions. Repressing them destabilizes your brain’s natural chemistry and disrupts the multiplicity of feedback loops that usually expels toxic waste. In fact, unprocessed emotions impede that flow of they naturally generate, often referred to as the ‘molecules of emotion’. When stress prevent molecules of emotion from flowing freely, the automatic processes (digestion, breathing, immunity and blood flow) that are regulated by the flow of peptide will collapse into a few simple feedback loops. This causes the suppressed toxic emotion to become an emotional stronghold, the magic trees of the mind, that changes cellular memory within the cells of the body. It won’t allow you to function well on any level, physical, mental or spiritual.
So how do you keep these toxic thoughts at bay? DILUTE THEM. If you’re like me, and chances are you are, your life revolves around your child. And when your child isn’t with you? It becomes about politics and policy, media and communication or like myself and a few others I know, it becomes about the laws governing our family courts and getting yourself an entirely new career. Who were you before you became a parent? What personal hobbies, interests and career goals did you have? Do you have a social support system? Not an emotional one, but a sociaone? This is going to be your most valuable asset in the war for your sanity. You need reality checks, confidence and loyalty; friends are the perfect people to give than to you. Friendships are give and take, as females, we know that our job is to listen and agree when needed. If he or she pours their heart out for an hour, you know you get that same hour in return. and unlike therapy, your friends will tell you what you need to hear to get moving in the direction you need to head in. In the last week, I have gone out 4 times. Dinner and a comedy show on 2 different evenings. Dinner with a friend on Halloween and a wine tasting and tour a few days ago. I knew Halloween would be difficult, I anticipated this and planned accordingly. Having these friends to be weepy with made me comfortable, and that lead me to hours of laughter during days that would have been spent feeling sad, miserable and angry. Thanksgiving is coming up. I don’t know who will have Drew for that holiday, but I have a small trip to San Diego coming up the week before, so if I have to wait till Christmas, I think I’ll survive. It may be smoke, mirrors and window dressing, but I’ll survive. I have to, you have to, we all have to in order to keep going and changing the status quo, I first have to be happy to be alive, that wasn’t always the case.
California businessman Steven Zinnel, age 50, thought he could get away with cheating his wife, his two teenage children, and the bankruptcy court, but he was wrong….boy was he wrong! Zinnel and his wife, of Gold River, separated in 1999. By 2001 their uncoupling got even more ugly when he told his wife she would […]
Turner argues that indigent defendants facing incarceration through civil contempt hearings should have the right to appointed counsel under the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment. Turner claims that the Court’s Sixth Amendment cases involving the right to counsel focus on the defendant’s need for the guidance that counsel provides, and the seriousness of the stakes involved. Turner asserts that in In re Gault, 387 U.S. 1 (1967), the Court determined that a juvenile is entitled to the right to counsel in civil juvenile delinquency hearings, which may result in institutionalization. The Court reasoned the juvenile had a right to counsel because the hearings could result in incarceration comparable to felony prosecution, and because the juvenile requires counsel to navigate the law and present an adequate defense. Similarly, Turner asserts that the Court determined in Vitek v. Jones that a prisoner has a right to counsel in civil commitment proceedings, because commitment results in a substantial restriction of liberty, and the defendant would likely require counsel to adequately exercise and protect his rights. Turner argues that these cases establish the proposition that a defendant in a civil proceeding facing incarceration has the right to counsel.
Rogers claims that Turner’s proposition is incorrect, because the Due Process clause does not create a presumptive right to counsel in civil cases where the defendant may be incarcerated. Rogers explains that the Court in Gagnon v. Scarpelli, 411 U.S. 778 (1973), held that minors do not have the right to counsel when facing commitment to a mental hospital. The Court found a “presumption that there is no right to appointed counsel in the absence of at least a potential deprivation of physical liberty.” Rogers asserts that Lassiter does not create a presumption of a right of counsel; potential incarceration is not in itself sufficient to create an exception to the general rule that there is no right to counsel in civil cases.
Rogers argues that due process does not require counsel for a defendant in a child-support civil-contempt hearing. In order to provide a complete defense, the defendant need only show that he cannot pay by bringing in tax forms, or employment or doctors’ letters. Rogers claims that defendants do not need counsel because there are relaxed procedural and evidentiary rules, no juries, and technical issues involving the statute of limitations or res judicata rarely arise. Rogers declares that if the defendant in a child support proceeding did have a right to counsel then the proceedings would become unbalanced; the child-support-seeking plaintiff would not have a corresponding right to counsel and likely could not afford to hire a private attorney.
The United States agrees with Rogers that Due Process does not require appointed counsel for defendants in child support civil contempt hearings where the defendant could be imprisoned. Nevertheless, the United States argues for reversal because the judge in this case did not provide the defendant with a way to prove that he could not pay the support, thereby violating due process. Inability to pay is a complete defense to a civil contempt charge for non-payment of child support. The United States contends that due process may be satisfied if the family court implements procedures, such as requiring financial forms, affidavits, or preliminary assessments of the defendant’s ability to pay.
‘‘(b) TECHNICAL ASSISTANCE.— ‘‘(1) STRATEGIC PLANNING.—Not later than 90 days after the date of enactment of this subsection, the Attorney General shall begin to provide technical assistance to States and local governments requesting support to develop and implement the strategic plan required under subsection (a)(6). The Attorney General may enter into agreements with 1 or more non-governmental organizations to provide technical assistance and training under this paragraph. ‘‘(2) PROTECTION OF CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS.—Not later than 90 days after the date of enactment of this subsection, the Attorney General shall begin to provide technical assistance to States and local governments, including any agent thereof with responsibility for administration of justice, requesting support to meet the obligations established by the Sixth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States, which shall include— ‘‘(A) public dissemination of practices, structures, or models for the administration of justice consistent with the requirements of the Sixth Amendment; and ‘‘(B) assistance with adopting and implementing a system for the administration of justice consistent with the requirements of the Sixth Amendment. ‘‘(3) AUTHORIZATION OF APPROPRIATIONS.—For each of fiscal years 2017 through 2021, of the amounts appropriated to carry out this subpart, not less than $5,000,000 and not more than $10,000,000 shall be used to carry out this subsection.’’. (c) APPLICABILITY.—The requirement to submit a strategic plan under section 501(a)(6) of title I of the Omnibus Crime Control and Safe Streets Act of 1968, as added by subsection (b), shall apply to any application submitted under such section 501 for a grant for any fiscal year beginning after the date that is 1 year after the date of enactment of this Act.
This past week I have been struggling about blogging my life. One of my kids says she hates reading about her family here… I know it hurts her and I know she probablly feels compelled to read anyway.
I feel I must continue blogging here because I run across so many people on a daily basis facing choices I once made; facing outcomes that might hurt all the people they love, and I think my experiences might help them avoid mistakes that can’t be undone mistakes known by experts in PAS & High Conflict Divorces (HCD) shown, known and proven to cause serious, sometimes PERMANENT, psychological trauma to kids and parents in high conflict divorce cases (HCD}.
If you’ve been reading here before then you know that I feel that sometimes a parent isn’t alienating the child/ren on purpose; sometimes they are just so full of pain over the break-up they can’t bring themselves to be respectful… Talking about the other parent in a positive light is actually impossible when one is hurting so badly… and alienation can occur subconsciously. However, once a parent understands that their behavior, comments, and preventing contact so that normal healthy parent/child relationships can continue to exist, is harming not just their ex, but also damaging the children, well then we move to a different level. We may be leaving kids in the care of a cruel and possibly dangerous person… One who doesn’t care about the child’s self esteem, or who places their own feelings above those others. This is the person who should face sanctions, possibly criminal charges for child abuse. That is EXACTLY what this behavior is; Child Abuse.
Signs of parental alienation include:
- Bad-mouthing the other parent to the children
- Limiting contact
- Erasing the parent from the children’s lives
- Forcing the children to reject the other parent
- Forcing the children to choose sides
- Creating the impression the other parent is dangerous (yes I just said the alternator is the dangerous one…)
- Belittling comments to the other parent in front of the children
- Calling the children to testify against the other parent
- Convincing the children the other parent is creating financial hardship on the family
- Spreading rumors and lies to community members which make it difficult, if not impossible, for the other parent to remain within the family’s previous shared community.
- Making criminal allegations to law enforcement causing legal issues and sometimes incarceration when there is no validity to the charges; or the charges emanate from legal activity prior to divorce or separation.
My son believes that I stole from his father, he says he was shown proof. I have asked to see this proof to no avail. I’m left to believe either it doesn’t exist, or may be easily refuted once I can see what was shown to him. Proving a negative is almost impossible. However making sense of documents, providing legitimate reasons specific papers exist, is quite simple. Showing a kid some stock trades or line item purchases without giving background, or dates, (perhaps a married couple decision to make a purchase, now being twisted into a theft by the outsider) whatever the case may be, if their was a CRIME COMMITTED then the District Attorney would file charges, a criminal trial would ensue, and the truth would come out because unlike family court, criminal court has due process and burdens of proof to satisfy. How is a child supposed to have the critical thinking skills required to question legitimacy of these types of accusations? S/he can’t s/he just believes it or not.
MY HIGHEST CRIME:
ONE DAY while I was still married I did something out of anger that I knew was wrong. I charged 100 pizzas to his card and had them delivered to his former workplace with a nice greeting. $500. is no felony. People enjoyed it and I felt a little less angry that day.
Yup I did that.
– See more at: http://www.natlawreview.com/article/parental-alienation#sthash.bSissCTq.dpuf
A general view of The Ministry of Justice building Joanna Morris / Thursday 3 December 2015 / News Published Thursday 3 December 2015 / News THE family courts are damaging children and vulnerable families by failing to enforce their own orders, says a Darlington woman. The woman, who did not want to be named, and […]
LEGAL ABUSE SYNDROME (LAS) is a form of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It is a psychic injury, not a mental illness. It is a personal injury that develops in individuals assaulted by ethical violations, legal abuses, betrayals, and fraud. Abuse of power and authority and a profound lack of accountability in our courts have become rampant. Dr. Karin Huffer, author of the groundbreaking book, Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome, has devoted over 20 years to researching, diagnosing, and treating PTSD and other trauma disorders.
First I want to say that being separated and BLOCKED from your children (FOR NO REASON other than retaliation by the child’s other parent) is one hell of a problem that people simply DON’T understand, and is very difficult to get help for. Parental Alienation is a problem which makes those who are dealing with it feel like a deserted island; alone and isolated from seemingly everyone, a societal pariah, JUDGED unworthy of parenting their very own children. You hear the talk, “You know his kids won’t even call him.” Or, “I wonder if he molested them, they never visit.”
As an analogy, you may feel like a smoker taking a smoke break, outside and out of any thoroughfare, consideration having been given by you to nonsmokers, and you isolated yourself. There you are, outside, alone, and every now and then someone passes you by and makes a face, pinches their nose, dramatically coughs to express how disgusting your habit is to them. The do this not because your smoke is bothering them as you are nowhere near enough to have them smell the cigarette; they simply treat you as an OUTCAST they shun you and hurt your feelings because they don’t want to be near a smoker, having been told that even outdoors you could kill them. Yet these same people do much worse they sit around fires built with questionable things, treated woods, particle board, even garbage containing gosh knows what/
DON’T LOSE HOPE
Every once and awhile another smoker may join you on the bench and for that 10 minutes of camaraderie, you feel a little glimmer of acceptance and understanding. That 10 minutes is meaningful to you in a healing way.
Being harmed by being ousted from your children’s lives affects EVERY aspect of your life, from health, to self-esteem, job performance, and mental wellbeing etc…
The problem is that enough of us are NOT suing outside of family court for Personal injury / Slander / Defamation / and asking for punitive damages as a result of this alienation.
I further believe that in some cases, this could be brought to a Federal Judge as a violation of a person’s Civil Rights due to discrimination (as in my case). I FIRMLY believe my ADA (American’s with Disabilities Act) rights were trampled by the Judge(s), and the opposing lawyer. I wonder how many of us were suffering an emotional breakdown, or a physical handicap that pressured the marriage into divorce?
As most of us know, when breadwinners lose income it stresses a marriage a lot. If the breadwinner was out of work due to disability this also makes it an ADA case (IMHO).
It is my NON-LAWYER opinion that issues such as these are WELL addressed in CIVIL or FEDERAL court with the time honored rules in place that help JUSTICE prevail. Civil Courts and/or Federal Courts should be able to hear issues within Family Court cases especially when there are Damages, or Constitutional Rights violations. Instead of FAMILY COURT, which is not obligated to prove anything to the standards of other courts and is very open to abuse based upon its lack of standards of evidence, weak requirements of actual proof, bias by officials, unfairness based upon indigence, lack of jury, and possibly payola of caseworkers, and maybe even Judges, especially those who are not elected.
Once the Civil Court or Federal Court has heard and decided the merits of a case related Family Court actions, especially when they awarded damages, that judgement SHOULD qualify to be presented in Family Court as evidence of Contempt of the divorce decree (almost every State has language prohibiting custodial parents from making derogatory remarks about non-custodial parents). Once your case is proven the Family Court should give much weight to all findings, decisions, judgements, or mandates passed down by these other courts.
I ALSO believe in that in cases where another court finds punitive damages in favor of the alienated parent, that this could be a game changer in the custodial parent’s behavior; they don’t want to have a judgement against them that could become very public and costly, and possibly custody changing.
I am very interested in locating lawyers who are willing to bring these claims outside of family court. Proving damages is EASY, it is similar to a Workman’s Comp claim, and a good litigation attorney should prevail. I would like my case heard in Federal Court as a discrimination and violation of my civil rights under the ADA.
I spent 30 years as a private investigator and I know how to research law, write pleadings, and even testify as to what I observed as an investigator.
To the father who posted this, please see a counsellor, and phone a friend who will support you emotionally. Don’t be a deserted Island, be an isthmus, there are people going through the same thing and you are not alone, even though you may feel that way.
Change is up to you, me, and everyone facing Parental Alienation.
God Bless you all,
God Bless America,
God Bless the Children!
Nov, 9th 2015.