PTSD may Mimic Other Mental Health Issues… PTSD can WORSEN In Times of Stress. True Story

The Custody Battle V Sanity

I didn’t see/have my son, Drew, for two Halloweens in a row….  Although I have regular access to my son and our relationship is tight, that wasn’t always the case.  I was given the task of buying costume materials and making his costume by hand, but not ‘allowed’ to see him over Halloween, which is not my holiday.  It’s still a trigger for me, and from what I have learned about C-PTSD, these triggers are something I have to learn to live with.  The hyper vigilance, feeling unsafe… all of it…. it isn’t something that goes away at all… I can honestly say I am doing much better now that I was 60 days ago.  About 4 or 5 months ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, it was horrifying and embarrassing.  It also explained so much of my behavior that had never made sense to me.  Holidays without my son are triggering, but knowing this, I am able to make plans to distract myself over the holidays or any special day/event in which the little guy in my life isn’t with me.  How do I survive them? I let go of the every toxic thought in my mind. It’s easier said than done.  I have had to learn to dial my stress factor down before I reach my anxiety threshold.  As I have mentioned before, I got very sick just over a year ago….  I was worn out…  I had nothing left in me….  I was so worried about the son I never had access to, that I landed in the ER and stayed for a while. My iron, potassium etc were depleted.  Transfusions etc were necessary for an extended hospital stay.

 

I was so worried when baby daddy began making trouble for me and my 3 month old.  A disgusting excuse for a human being he was, and still is.  My son had a speech delay.  I forced through a court order I wrote for weekly speech therapy, that’s how I parented in those days, by pushing my orders through the court system till they tired of it.  With my handy fee waiver, I found I could get the court’s attention by costing them an arm and a leg.  Don’t knock the method, it works, I’m living proof and so is Drew.  I was constantly so worried that he was hurting and couldn’t express it.  I almost worried myself to death with toxic thoughts.  I imagined the worst… A life full of all kinds of abuse at the hands of a man who didn’t think twice about abusing me in several ways, repeatedly.  It was killing me.  My son was subjected to maternal deprivation and attempts at parental alienation. I wrote a court order for co-parenting therapy and despite his sickening attempts to pussy out of it with a fake CPO, the court no longer caters to him.  Title 9 pays out only once moms, never fear.  I got my co-parenting therapy orders upheld, and have been in co-parenting therapy for a couple of months now.  My son’s interactions with me changed significantly.  I bring my son’s behaviors to the attention of the counselor who exposes every email baby daddy sends her in our sessions.  We have a no secrets policy.  Everyone knows everything.  This was not obtained easily.  The sessions are annoying and I’d rather be anywhere else, but this is what is best for Drew, and for me, that is all that matters.

Toxic thoughts are caused by extreme stress.  Stress comes at you in the form of predetermined custody evaluations, judgements and thoughts of your child feeling abandoned or alone.  Without communication with your children, a parent often feels guilty for smiling and resents things and people that cause them to smile, as if being happy without your child is a crime.  It isn’t.  In fact, it will be the only thing to get you through it. If you’re case is anything like mine (and I’ll bet you a million bucks it is), the non custodial parent gets a report that describes the life of a rockstar.  Sex, drugs and rock and roll.  I was accused of dating someone weird while I hadn’t dated up to that point since my son was born.  I was accused of everything under the sun, why?  I had zero affection or feelings ever for this man.  I was about to leave the country for work, he decided he couldn’t stand me being with anyone else or being happy.  So he took the son he had blackmailed me to abort.  It’s punishment, he once told the court, for the way she treats me.  She doesn’t deserve to see her son.  Yes, baby daddy is a total loser and no, he hasn’t had a single date since I walked out the door.  I have no had quite a few, and even a relationship.  Despite my custody trauma, I have a life.  Creating that other life is the only thing that saved me.  The ability to let go a little has given me much in return: my sanity.  Toxic thoughts are ANY thoughts that rob you of positive feelings, thoughts that leave you feeling negative.  In order to win your battle, you need to survive it first, don’t you? This isn’t an essay on how to be happy, it’s about why you NEED to be happy to survive.  Like Mario Brothers (yeah, I’m THAT old), it takes a lot time, determination and perseverance to save the princess.  You need friends, pets, games and laughs to get to the last level…. and even when you get to the final level (court trial) you may need a few more tries before completing your mission.

 

Repression or suppression of toxic thoughts is how we temporarily deal with the emotions that are generated by anger, loss, sadness or trauma.  This gives your mind a chance to catch up with loss or trauma by experiencing a temporary amnesia.  However, the toxic emotions that are repressed don’t go away.  You can bury your emotions, but you need to know you are burying something that remains alive, and that is a horrible prospect.  It’s not surprising that your mind perceives suppressed emotions as fear.  That fear remains unless you deal with it. You can consciously decide to deny or reject an emotion that is uncomfortable, but once you have done so, it goes into your non-conscious mind in a process called automatization: you first do it consciously and then train yourself to continue until it becomes an automatic reaction.  This is not the way your brain deal best with toxic emotions.  Repressing them destabilizes your brain’s natural chemistry and disrupts the multiplicity of feedback loops that usually expels toxic waste.  In fact, unprocessed emotions impede that flow of they naturally generate, often referred to as the ‘molecules of emotion’.  When stress prevent molecules of emotion from flowing freely, the automatic processes (digestion, breathing, immunity and blood flow) that are regulated by the flow of peptide will collapse into a few simple feedback loops.  This causes the suppressed toxic emotion to become an emotional stronghold, the magic trees of the mind, that changes cellular memory within the cells of the body.  It won’t allow you to function well on any level, physical, mental or spiritual.

So how do you keep these toxic thoughts at bay?  DILUTE THEM.  If you’re like me, and chances are you are, your life revolves around your child.  And when your child isn’t with you?  It becomes about politics and policy, media and communication or like myself and a few others I know, it becomes about the laws governing our family courts and getting yourself an entirely new career. Who were you before you became a parent?  What personal hobbies, interests and career goals did you have?  Do you have a social support system?  Not an emotional one, but a sociaone? This is going to be your most valuable asset in the war for your sanity.  You need reality checks, confidence and loyalty; friends are the perfect people to give than to you.  Friendships are give and take, as females, we know that our job is to listen and agree when needed.  If he or she pours their heart out for an hour, you know you get that same hour in return.  and unlike therapy, your friends will tell you what you need to hear to get moving in the direction you need to head in.  In the last week, I have gone out 4 times.  Dinner and a comedy show on 2 different evenings.  Dinner with a friend on Halloween and a wine tasting and tour a few days ago.  I knew Halloween would be difficult, I anticipated this and planned accordingly.  Having these friends to be weepy with made me comfortable, and that lead me to hours of laughter during days that would have been spent feeling sad, miserable and angry.  Thanksgiving is coming up.  I don’t know who will have Drew for that holiday, but I have a small trip to San Diego coming up the week before, so if I have to wait till Christmas, I think I’ll survive.  It may be smoke, mirrors and window dressing, but I’ll survive.  I have to, you have to, we all have to in order to keep going and changing the status quo, I first have to be happy to be alive, that wasn’t always the case.

 

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Divorce, kids, and what they need to know … — Kimela Kluthe, LMFT

Don’t drown your kids in your memories

So you’re going through a divorce and one of you really is the victim – or so you think. You were cheated on. You were abused. I get it. You were wronged in some way. And you have children with this person … We all know that we’re not supposed to tell our kids the […]

via Divorce, kids, and what they need to know … — Kimela Kluthe, LMFT

Parental Alienation is TRAUMA

Losing A Parent is Childhood Trauma

The popular press has reported many stories about adults who suddenly remember having been abused as children. Some media reports have emphasized the unusual circumstances or content of such recovered memories while other reports have declared that the “recovery” of memories of abuse is false for a variety of reasons. Little in the press, however, has dealt with the science relating to memories of childhood trauma. 

The International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies

is working on life affecting issues arising from trauma exposure of many origins.  According to their research memories can not only be false, but they can be planted by others!

Q: Are Recovered Memories Always Accurate?

Scientists believe that recovered memories – including recovered memories of childhood trauma – are not always accurate. When people remember childhood trauma and later say their memory was wrong, there is no way to know which memory was accurate – the one that claims the trauma happened or the one that claims it did not.

Q: How Might False Memories Develop?

A great deal of laboratory research involving normal people in everyday situations demonstrates that memory is not perfect. Evidence shows that memory can be influenced by other people and situations; that people can make up stories to fill in memory gaps, and that people can be persuaded to believe they heard, saw or experienced events that did not really happen. Studies also reveal that people who have inaccurate memories can strongly believe they are true.

Sad man in space

Alone in Space

 

Q: Is it Possible to Forget Childhood Trauma?

People forget names, dates, faces and even entire events all the time. But is it possible to forget terrible experiences such as being raped? Or beaten? The answer is yes – under certain circumstances. For more than a hundred years, doctors, scientists and other observers have reported the connection between trauma and forgetting. But only in the past 10 years have scientific studies demonstrated a connection between childhood trauma and amnesia.

Most scientists agree that memories from infancy and early childhood – under the age of two or three – are unlikely to be remembered. Research shows that many adults who remember being sexually abused as children experienced a period when they did not remember the abuse. Scientists also have studied child victims at the time of a documented traumatic event, such as sexual abuse, and then measured how often the victims forget these events as they become adults. They discovered that some people do forget the traumatic experiences they had in childhood, even though it was established fact that the traumatic events occurred.

Q: What Makes People Remember a Traumatic Event after Such a Long Delay?

At the time of a traumatic event, the mind makes many associations with the feelings, sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch connected with the trauma. Later, similar sensations may trigger a memory of the event. While some people first remember past traumatic events during therapy, most people begin having traumatic memories out side therapy.

A variety of experiences can trigger the recall. Reading stories about other people’s trauma, watching television programs that depict traumatic events similar to the viewer’s past ex perience, experiencing a disturbing event in the present, or sitting down with family and reminiscing about a terrible shared episode – for some people, these kinds of experiences can open the floodgates of frightful and horrible memories.

My Nightmare… April 16, 2016

Dear God 1


April 16, 2016

Believing it to be the day of catastrophe in America a Mother, estranged from her 4 beloved children sent a group text to all four. “My wonderful children” she wrote. “I want you to know that I love you all no matter what, and I always will, no matter what. With deep love, Mommy”.
Within a minute 2 of her children replied expressing their love and forgiveness of past events, while the other two remained silent after reading her declaration of love for them, their hearts so filled with anger and their minds so filled with hate as a direct result of parental alienation caused in part by their father, grandmother and other family members, that they knew their silence would wound their estranged mother again. And so, willfully, and stubbornly they remained silent not telling their mother that they had any feelings for her at all. Their last thoughts were of anger toward her as the explosion rocked North America Killing most of it’s inhabitants almost instantly.
Time doesn’t exist in Heaven or Hell. The time it took to sort out the casualties of this terrible mass death may have been a blink of an eye or taken years, who knows.
As it turned out the forgiveness given to their mother by the first two children meant they would spend eternity in heaven. The hate of silence the other two showed their mother left them in hell.

I guess that left the mother …


I’m divorced since 10/2002. I was with my former for 16 years. In 2 years my time with him will be as long as my absence from him; by now I think that I should be able to function somewhat normally on a day to day basis, but that simply isn’t the case. .

People say, Give them time, they will figure it out, they will come around… that has not been MY EXPERIENCE.

How much longer will I feel this pain? My mother says that I need to move on, for my future and sanity; logically this is correct but I have told you all I can no more forget any of my children than I could cut off my own arm.

I know the guy in the movie ‘128 Hours’ did cut off his own upper arm in order to survive but the rocks he was stuck amongst didn’t call him from time to time, or talk trash about him to people who then repeated the terrible things, still being said about you 14 years later, to you because they felt ‘YOU SHOULD KNOW’…   Most recently I was told my ex told my grandaughter’s daddy that my current husband and I were having an affair when I was married to my ex… Lies, I never met my current hubby till 2/17/08. How do you fight lies like this?

I’m dying a little every day. I need help and I don’t know where to turn. I am so worried about all of my Children’s life as adults. I’m so depressed. Leah

A Child’s Perspective

DECEMBER 5, 2015 /                     DBKERR visit Her
Daddy rages, Mommy cries,
What about me?
the little child sighs.

No home for my own
yet I have two.
Never alone
but always lonely.
Mourning for one
while with the other.
Never enjoying
without feeling guilt.

I have my spaces.
My objects surround me,
yet I can’t remember
where my teddy bear is.
Is it here or there?

I want two kisses goodnight
from two people –
not the bemused, exhausted
brush of one’s lips
on my brow.

No one asked me
when the choice was made.
I got the leftovers.

Small wonder I am scared,
so angry I want nothing more
than to strike out
at the ones I love most.
Hear me . . .
when can I speak?

yet I can’t remember
where my teddy bear is.
Is it here or there

259ABB7E00000578-0-image-a-7_1423749270778

Moving Forward… Going Back

Play Sweet Home Alabama

Dear Reader,

I hope you will forgive my lack of attention to this blog as of late, you see, I have been going through a serious trauma completely unrelated to the subject of this blog.  After months of counselling and reliving a part of my life I wanted to bury deep, I finally see light at the end of that tunnel.  So as I near the end of that journey I am relieved and I am feeling so much better about EVERYTHING! I can’t tell you about it yet, maybe never will, yet I will say this, your past can’t be buried it must be faced and dealt with.  If you can face things rather forgotten, it is like being set free. It is like a second chance at happiness.

And now onto my Blog on Parental Alienation and Healing…

Dreams

  Let me start by recalling a dream I’ve had twice this month. Such a weird dream I have no idea what to make of it.  In the dream, Jill, my kids stepmother, is patiently and kindly, sitting next to me trying to teach me to play Vivaldi on a beautiful, shiny black, grand piano. We are both smiling, we seem happy, we seem like true friends, maybe even family. Her playing is superb and I simply love it. She has given me 3 keys to play and nods when I am meant to play them.  Together we play, together we enjoy music.   That is it; that’s the whole dream.

If any of you expert dream interpreters out there can give me your opinion of this repeated dream, I am all ears.

  Moving on

My daughter Libby is due to bring forth my 3rd grandchild in July. So far this will be the only grandchild I have even met.  I have been not only invited to be there, but told explicitly that I am wanted in the labor and delivery room.

To me this seems only fair for me to be in that room with Libby because of what happened when she attended my prenatal appointment back in 1995, when I was pregnant with her sister Wanda.  Back then she certainly got the up-close view of my pregnant reproductive parts and then some.

You see, I was at the OB/GYN and little Libby was sitting in the chair next to the door when my very English (as in Great Britain) doc came into the room in a flurry as was her style.
I was naked under paper garments, I was lying on the table feet in stirrups, and a paper sheet blocked my view of all activity below my waist.  The Doc asked me the usual questions, “How’s everything?…” and then she asked “Is it okay with you if your daughter is here for the exam?”

“Of course” I replied, my eyes fixed on the fluorescent light fixture in the ceiling.  “Okay” she said somewhat under her breath, as she proceeded to insert the speculum into my vagina.

Next thing I know I hear her talking softly and explaining… ‘this is where babies come from’, and ‘I’m just checking to see if everything with your mommy is alright’. Then I felt the tiny finger press on something reserved only for my husband and I realized that my sweet, always calm, obedient, capable of sitting still for 5 minutes, daughter (can you feel the sarcasm?)  Libby, had popped up when the doc entered and proceeded to observe and participate in my full exam.

I pretended it was normal (ha ha ha!); further I believe the Doc was glad to deviate from her solo routine of pregnant vulva inspections. Needless to say this visit to the Doc’ became one of those things I will never forget.

So I am Alabama bound in July.

I wish I could calmly state that going back has no emotional attachment, other than the excitement over the bringing of a new life into this world, but in fact I am bombarded with anticipatory emotions, pummelled with quite possibly irrational emotions and made up scenarios in which I once again am made the odd man out.

Oh don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t miss this for the world.  Even if it means I have to hear one or more of my other children say something heartbreaking, or face a Jill who would rather drop a piano on my head than teach me to play it (Not saying that she would, just hoping she won’t).

So the excitement builds as the due date is just about a month out.

Pray for me, Dear readers.  Pray all is well for my grandchildren (every one of them), pray for my family and all of it’s new members.

Thanks for reading,

Much Love to All!

Leah

old letter from my daughter Charlene

7/27/04

Hey mommy

well lol I didnt read that whole thing ebfore I sent it out to everyone on my mailing list, and I read what Bryan Duvall wrote back and I knew that only you and him had wrote back so I was like wow I wonder what my mom had to say about that! lol but yeah lol sorry about that, I sent it to a bunch of girls too now their all gonna think Im a lesbian or something.  I was telling her how dad is geting my Birkenstocks from Germany and she But they are like mad comfortable so now everyone wears them! lol espically all the popular kids. Anyways I am about to go to the mall, and I am so mad bc I have to get new bras and stuff but dad isnt here to pay for anything bc he is in Germany I am so mad. I have to wait till probably Saturday. AUGH anways g2g Im getting yelled at

love

~cc~
01.Who are you, what’s our relationship?: Mother / Daughter
02. How and where did we meet?: On the day you were born, you were a HUGE pain in my (arse)
03. What’s my middle name?: Francess
04. How long have you known me?: All your Life
05. Tell me one good thing about myself?: You are the most caring person I ever met.
06. When you first saw me, what was your impression?: YIPPEE!
07. My age: 15 (going on 25)
08. Birthday: 10/xx (I tried to hold out till Haloween, but you were not agreable)
09. My favorite band at the moment: From your e-mail Probably Blink 182
10. Colour eyes: Beautiful Blue
11. Do I have any siblings?: Yeah, I was there when they were born too.
12. Have you ever had a crush on me?: He he he he You crack me up!
13. What’s one of my favorite things to do?: clean house and change diapers? (Just kidding) Go to the Mall and hang out with friends.
14. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you?: “Waaa waaa!” The first real word was “Dad”
15. Describe me in 3 words: Love, Joy, Gentleness.
16. Name 5 things I love: Dad, Mom, Libby, Wanda, Danny, Libby, and Jessie.
17. Do you think I’m good looking?: Of course!
18. How would you describe me to someone?: This is my daughter, she is a beautiful person.
19. Would you ever date me?: Umm, no. But I’d chaperone.
20. Tell me one thing you’ve always wanted to say but never did: I have always said what ever needed to be said, and sometimes that was hard to do.
21: What do you like most about me?: You are my daughter.
22: If we could spend a day together, what would we do?: Talk, go to the movies, eat at a restraunt, and listen to music or watch TV.
23: Have we ever gotten in a fight?: You are kidding, right?
24: Do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years?: We will always be friends, because I will love you forever.
25. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it: Bongo-butt because your butt was so pattable when you were a baby.
26. What do you think my weakness is?: You are very stubborn at times.
27. Do you think I’ll get married?: Yes, and probablly too soon for me.
28. What makes me happy?: Being given freedom. Time to relax.
29. What makes me sad?: Not getting your way.
30. What reminds you of me?: Everything that is good in the world.
31. If you could give me anything, what would it be?: Perfect Vision.
32. When’s the last time you saw me?: Just after Christmas (And it was way too long ago). But I saw your photo a few seconds ago.
33. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?: Our friendship will get stronger over time.
34. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?: Yes, that is another great quality you have.
35. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?: Haven’t got one.
36. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?: Strawberry. Because it is fresh, and sweet.
37. What song (if any) reminds you of me?: “Only You” because when you were about 2 you used to sing it and pucker your lips up for the “Youuuuuu” parts (so cute!)
38. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?: I would make you love to learn things.
39. Would you make a move on me?: Oh My Gosh! I am your Mom, silly!
40. Do I cross your mind at least 1 time a day? At least a thousand times a day.

I love you.

Mom

I was SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUSLY Elated on Easter – 4 small Words

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

    FOUR SIMPLE WORDS was all it took to have me on cloud nine all day Easter, and well into Monday.
    No, the words weren’t “Smile Jesus Loves You” although it is those four words that have helped me make it to a bit over 50 years…
    No, it wasn’t “you won the powerball”.  ….
    The words appeared as if by magic in the form of two texts sent moments apart on my iPad. The first…
    “HAPPY EASTER”
    and then I replied, “I love you”
    I walked away thinking that would be it not much, it was SOMETHING at least.  Then it happened again.  The familiar ding/ding sound of an incoming text called me back to my iPad.
    This time the screen said,
    “Love You”
    My heart seemed to want to fly out of my chest.  I began hollering “YAAAA HOOO!!!” At the top of my voice.  My wonderful, caring, and sweetheart husband came to see what I was yelling about.  I had tears streaming down my cheeks. My feet left the floor and I was walking suddenly on cloud nine as I informed him my daughter loves me.
    What a powerful thing love is.
    Leah
    Easter 2015