Anger comes from hurt.
I repeat, anger comes from hurt.
Now back to your regular scheduled programming.
via One liners — If Only Mommy
I didn’t see/have my son, Drew, for two Halloweens in a row…. Although I have regular access to my son and our relationship is tight, that wasn’t always the case. I was given the task of buying costume materials and making his costume by hand, but not ‘allowed’ to see him over Halloween, which is not my holiday. It’s still a trigger for me, and from what I have learned about C-PTSD, these triggers are something I have to learn to live with. The hyper vigilance, feeling unsafe… all of it…. it isn’t something that goes away at all… I can honestly say I am doing much better now that I was 60 days ago. About 4 or 5 months ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, it was horrifying and embarrassing. It also explained so much of my behavior that had never made sense to me. Holidays without my son are triggering, but knowing this, I am able to make plans to distract myself over the holidays or any special day/event in which the little guy in my life isn’t with me. How do I survive them? I let go of the every toxic thought in my mind. It’s easier said than done. I have had to learn to dial my stress factor down before I reach my anxiety threshold. As I have mentioned before, I got very sick just over a year ago…. I was worn out… I had nothing left in me…. I was so worried about the son I never had access to, that I landed in the ER and stayed for a while. My iron, potassium etc were depleted. Transfusions etc were necessary for an extended hospital stay.
I was so worried when baby daddy began making trouble for me and my 3 month old. A disgusting excuse for a human being he was, and still is. My son had a speech delay. I forced through a court order I wrote for weekly speech therapy, that’s how I parented in those days, by pushing my orders through the court system till they tired of it. With my handy fee waiver, I found I could get the court’s attention by costing them an arm and a leg. Don’t knock the method, it works, I’m living proof and so is Drew. I was constantly so worried that he was hurting and couldn’t express it. I almost worried myself to death with toxic thoughts. I imagined the worst… A life full of all kinds of abuse at the hands of a man who didn’t think twice about abusing me in several ways, repeatedly. It was killing me. My son was subjected to maternal deprivation and attempts at parental alienation. I wrote a court order for co-parenting therapy and despite his sickening attempts to pussy out of it with a fake CPO, the court no longer caters to him. Title 9 pays out only once moms, never fear. I got my co-parenting therapy orders upheld, and have been in co-parenting therapy for a couple of months now. My son’s interactions with me changed significantly. I bring my son’s behaviors to the attention of the counselor who exposes every email baby daddy sends her in our sessions. We have a no secrets policy. Everyone knows everything. This was not obtained easily. The sessions are annoying and I’d rather be anywhere else, but this is what is best for Drew, and for me, that is all that matters.
Toxic thoughts are caused by extreme stress. Stress comes at you in the form of predetermined custody evaluations, judgements and thoughts of your child feeling abandoned or alone. Without communication with your children, a parent often feels guilty for smiling and resents things and people that cause them to smile, as if being happy without your child is a crime. It isn’t. In fact, it will be the only thing to get you through it. If you’re case is anything like mine (and I’ll bet you a million bucks it is), the non custodial parent gets a report that describes the life of a rockstar. Sex, drugs and rock and roll. I was accused of dating someone weird while I hadn’t dated up to that point since my son was born. I was accused of everything under the sun, why? I had zero affection or feelings ever for this man. I was about to leave the country for work, he decided he couldn’t stand me being with anyone else or being happy. So he took the son he had blackmailed me to abort. It’s punishment, he once told the court, for the way she treats me. She doesn’t deserve to see her son. Yes, baby daddy is a total loser and no, he hasn’t had a single date since I walked out the door. I have no had quite a few, and even a relationship. Despite my custody trauma, I have a life. Creating that other life is the only thing that saved me. The ability to let go a little has given me much in return: my sanity. Toxic thoughts are ANY thoughts that rob you of positive feelings, thoughts that leave you feeling negative. In order to win your battle, you need to survive it first, don’t you? This isn’t an essay on how to be happy, it’s about why you NEED to be happy to survive. Like Mario Brothers (yeah, I’m THAT old), it takes a lot time, determination and perseverance to save the princess. You need friends, pets, games and laughs to get to the last level…. and even when you get to the final level (court trial) you may need a few more tries before completing your mission.
Repression or suppression of toxic thoughts is how we temporarily deal with the emotions that are generated by anger, loss, sadness or trauma. This gives your mind a chance to catch up with loss or trauma by experiencing a temporary amnesia. However, the toxic emotions that are repressed don’t go away. You can bury your emotions, but you need to know you are burying something that remains alive, and that is a horrible prospect. It’s not surprising that your mind perceives suppressed emotions as fear. That fear remains unless you deal with it. You can consciously decide to deny or reject an emotion that is uncomfortable, but once you have done so, it goes into your non-conscious mind in a process called automatization: you first do it consciously and then train yourself to continue until it becomes an automatic reaction. This is not the way your brain deal best with toxic emotions. Repressing them destabilizes your brain’s natural chemistry and disrupts the multiplicity of feedback loops that usually expels toxic waste. In fact, unprocessed emotions impede that flow of they naturally generate, often referred to as the ‘molecules of emotion’. When stress prevent molecules of emotion from flowing freely, the automatic processes (digestion, breathing, immunity and blood flow) that are regulated by the flow of peptide will collapse into a few simple feedback loops. This causes the suppressed toxic emotion to become an emotional stronghold, the magic trees of the mind, that changes cellular memory within the cells of the body. It won’t allow you to function well on any level, physical, mental or spiritual.
So how do you keep these toxic thoughts at bay? DILUTE THEM. If you’re like me, and chances are you are, your life revolves around your child. And when your child isn’t with you? It becomes about politics and policy, media and communication or like myself and a few others I know, it becomes about the laws governing our family courts and getting yourself an entirely new career. Who were you before you became a parent? What personal hobbies, interests and career goals did you have? Do you have a social support system? Not an emotional one, but a sociaone? This is going to be your most valuable asset in the war for your sanity. You need reality checks, confidence and loyalty; friends are the perfect people to give than to you. Friendships are give and take, as females, we know that our job is to listen and agree when needed. If he or she pours their heart out for an hour, you know you get that same hour in return. and unlike therapy, your friends will tell you what you need to hear to get moving in the direction you need to head in. In the last week, I have gone out 4 times. Dinner and a comedy show on 2 different evenings. Dinner with a friend on Halloween and a wine tasting and tour a few days ago. I knew Halloween would be difficult, I anticipated this and planned accordingly. Having these friends to be weepy with made me comfortable, and that lead me to hours of laughter during days that would have been spent feeling sad, miserable and angry. Thanksgiving is coming up. I don’t know who will have Drew for that holiday, but I have a small trip to San Diego coming up the week before, so if I have to wait till Christmas, I think I’ll survive. It may be smoke, mirrors and window dressing, but I’ll survive. I have to, you have to, we all have to in order to keep going and changing the status quo, I first have to be happy to be alive, that wasn’t always the case.
hadn’t seen dad in 12 years It was a birthday to remember for 13-year-old Rory Beth Blankenship.
The Oklahoma teen’s eyes were covered by two blindfolds for the ultimate surprise: being reunited with her father, James, after 12 years apart.
I knew it was too good to be true…I always regret not listening to my instincts…
Since the birth of mt first granddaughter in JulyI have begun to have some contact with my children (youngest 18 as of this writing)… They have been respectful, caring, and thoughtful for the most part. I have gone to ‘Bama 3 times, on invites this year and that has given me some hope that things will get better… Well there was a glitch when I went to Troy for 5 days to only be able to speak to my son for an hour and a half, due to iPhone failure (maybe, but I’m beginning to doubt that was the problem).
Being invited to the birth of my beautiful granddaughter was one of the happiest moments of my life. TRULY! Then back in October for her Mommy’s birthday was also a wonderful experience. Thanks Libby!
My eldest still won’t give me the time of day and she says I didn’t let her have a childhood… I can’t fix that. If I could, I would.
My folk singer/songwriting daughter has begun texting, and I love her more each day. Will it last? She was the one who said that this blog is “A HORRIBLE Blog about her family” and she wanted me to take it down. I told her I would remove anything she could demonstrate was false. So far the entire site remains up.
That leaves my wonderful youngest, Dan’. His recent actions have caused me to doubt the sincerity of anyone in my life, and my judgement is once again something I am unwilling to trust, at least for right now. Let me tell you, it is a hard place to be where you can’t trust yourself.
I wasn’t going to write this out because it really freaking hurts, but I have received many private emails and I understand that somehow me telling my awful story is helping a lot of people cope with their own strained relations. So I am going to tell you exactly what I am seriously depressed and heartbroken over this holiday season.
As I mentioned I was at Troy for 5 days and only saw my son for an hour and a half. He was quiet and seemed uncomfortable. I hugged him tight when we said goodnight, went to my room and cried a mixture of elated and devastated tears for about 3 hours and then tried to sleep… Fail of course, so I watched news all night packed and left a bit early for the airport.
During our short time I felt there was no connection made, It was an empty visit, but my love for him is strong. He was four when our family disintegrated and he really knows me the least of all my kids. I keep forgetting that at four there isn’t much memory that will survive the next 14 years.
It is my experience that people can be shitty to people they have no connection with assuming they are the type who are inclined to be shitty to others. It seems harder for people to hurt other people when there is a bond between them, however small. This is my opinion and I will say that there are exceptions, however, those exceptions are usually steeped in pure evil, pure psychopathology, or pure hatred. I do not believe that my son is evil, nor do I think him to be a psychopath, so that leaves EXTREME ANGER as the only justification I am willing to believe is the root cause for his recent treatment of me.
What did he do that was so bad you ask? He lied to me, a lot. Lied about his Father and Step Mom, lied about his car, and I have learned that he is lying to everyone about his ab/use of alcohol as well. Then when I confronted him about lying to me he fired off a letter that could only have been written out of one of those three categories above. I still think ANGER is the culprit. No “Loving Son” would dream of writing such mean, ill-mannered, abusive letter to a mother that s/he respected. No way! Before I share these scathing words with you allow me to preempt by stating unequivocally almost everything in his wicked letter is a lie he has been fed by someone in a position of authority in his life, and who harbors me ill will. The ALIENATORS. The people who felt my son should “understand these things” about me alienated us and there can be no denying of that fact. ALMOST all of what he wrote is a lie.
This is breaking me down again
I hope you will forgive my lack of attention to this blog as of late, you see, I have been going through a serious trauma completely unrelated to the subject of this blog. After months of counselling and reliving a part of my life I wanted to bury deep, I finally see light at the end of that tunnel. So as I near the end of that journey I am relieved and I am feeling so much better about EVERYTHING! I can’t tell you about it yet, maybe never will, yet I will say this, your past can’t be buried it must be faced and dealt with. If you can face things rather forgotten, it is like being set free. It is like a second chance at happiness.
And now onto my Blog on Parental Alienation and Healing…
Let me start by recalling a dream I’ve had twice this month. Such a weird dream I have no idea what to make of it. In the dream, Jill, my kids stepmother, is patiently and kindly, sitting next to me trying to teach me to play Vivaldi on a beautiful, shiny black, grand piano. We are both smiling, we seem happy, we seem like true friends, maybe even family. Her playing is superb and I simply love it. She has given me 3 keys to play and nods when I am meant to play them. Together we play, together we enjoy music. That is it; that’s the whole dream.
If any of you expert dream interpreters out there can give me your opinion of this repeated dream, I am all ears.
My daughter Libby is due to bring forth my 3rd grandchild in July. So far this will be the only grandchild I have even met. I have been not only invited to be there, but told explicitly that I am wanted in the labor and delivery room.
To me this seems only fair for me to be in that room with Libby because of what happened when she attended my prenatal appointment back in 1995, when I was pregnant with her sister Wanda. Back then she certainly got the up-close view of my pregnant reproductive parts and then some.
You see, I was at the OB/GYN and little Libby was sitting in the chair next to the door when my very English (as in Great Britain) doc came into the room in a flurry as was her style.
I was naked under paper garments, I was lying on the table feet in stirrups, and a paper sheet blocked my view of all activity below my waist. The Doc asked me the usual questions, “How’s everything?…” and then she asked “Is it okay with you if your daughter is here for the exam?”
“Of course” I replied, my eyes fixed on the fluorescent light fixture in the ceiling. “Okay” she said somewhat under her breath, as she proceeded to insert the speculum into my vagina.
Next thing I know I hear her talking softly and explaining… ‘this is where babies come from’, and ‘I’m just checking to see if everything with your mommy is alright’. Then I felt the tiny finger press on something reserved only for my husband and I realized that my sweet, always calm, obedient, capable of sitting still for 5 minutes, daughter (can you feel the sarcasm?) Libby, had popped up when the doc entered and proceeded to observe and participate in my full exam.
I pretended it was normal (ha ha ha!); further I believe the Doc was glad to deviate from her solo routine of pregnant vulva inspections. Needless to say this visit to the Doc’ became one of those things I will never forget.
So I am Alabama bound in July.
I wish I could calmly state that going back has no emotional attachment, other than the excitement over the bringing of a new life into this world, but in fact I am bombarded with anticipatory emotions, pummelled with quite possibly irrational emotions and made up scenarios in which I once again am made the odd man out.
Oh don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t miss this for the world. Even if it means I have to hear one or more of my other children say something heartbreaking, or face a Jill who would rather drop a piano on my head than teach me to play it (Not saying that she would, just hoping she won’t).
So the excitement builds as the due date is just about a month out.
Pray for me, Dear readers. Pray all is well for my grandchildren (every one of them), pray for my family and all of it’s new members.
Thanks for reading,
Much Love to All!
well lol I didnt read that whole thing ebfore I sent it out to everyone on my mailing list, and I read what Bryan Duvall wrote back and I knew that only you and him had wrote back so I was like wow I wonder what my mom had to say about that! lol but yeah lol sorry about that, I sent it to a bunch of girls too now their all gonna think Im a lesbian or something. I was telling her how dad is geting my Birkenstocks from Germany and she But they are like mad comfortable so now everyone wears them! lol espically all the popular kids. Anyways I am about to go to the mall, and I am so mad bc I have to get new bras and stuff but dad isnt here to pay for anything bc he is in Germany I am so mad. I have to wait till probably Saturday. AUGH anways g2g Im getting yelled at
01.Who are you, what’s our relationship?: Mother / Daughter
02. How and where did we meet?: On the day you were born, you were a HUGE pain in my (arse)
03. What’s my middle name?: Francess
04. How long have you known me?: All your Life
05. Tell me one good thing about myself?: You are the most caring person I ever met.
06. When you first saw me, what was your impression?: YIPPEE!
07. My age: 15 (going on 25)
08. Birthday: 10/xx (I tried to hold out till Haloween, but you were not agreable)
09. My favorite band at the moment: From your e-mail Probably Blink 182
10. Colour eyes: Beautiful Blue
11. Do I have any siblings?: Yeah, I was there when they were born too.
12. Have you ever had a crush on me?: He he he he You crack me up!
13. What’s one of my favorite things to do?: clean house and change diapers? (Just kidding) Go to the Mall and hang out with friends.
14. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you?: “Waaa waaa!” The first real word was “Dad”
15. Describe me in 3 words: Love, Joy, Gentleness.
16. Name 5 things I love: Dad, Mom, Libby, Wanda, Danny, Libby, and Jessie.
17. Do you think I’m good looking?: Of course!
18. How would you describe me to someone?: This is my daughter, she is a beautiful person.
19. Would you ever date me?: Umm, no. But I’d chaperone.
20. Tell me one thing you’ve always wanted to say but never did: I have always said what ever needed to be said, and sometimes that was hard to do.
21: What do you like most about me?: You are my daughter.
22: If we could spend a day together, what would we do?: Talk, go to the movies, eat at a restraunt, and listen to music or watch TV.
23: Have we ever gotten in a fight?: You are kidding, right?
24: Do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years?: We will always be friends, because I will love you forever.
25. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it: Bongo-butt because your butt was so pattable when you were a baby.
26. What do you think my weakness is?: You are very stubborn at times.
27. Do you think I’ll get married?: Yes, and probablly too soon for me.
28. What makes me happy?: Being given freedom. Time to relax.
29. What makes me sad?: Not getting your way.
30. What reminds you of me?: Everything that is good in the world.
31. If you could give me anything, what would it be?: Perfect Vision.
32. When’s the last time you saw me?: Just after Christmas (And it was way too long ago). But I saw your photo a few seconds ago.
33. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?: Our friendship will get stronger over time.
34. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?: Yes, that is another great quality you have.
35. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?: Haven’t got one.
36. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?: Strawberry. Because it is fresh, and sweet.
37. What song (if any) reminds you of me?: “Only You” because when you were about 2 you used to sing it and pucker your lips up for the “Youuuuuu” parts (so cute!)
38. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?: I would make you love to learn things.
39. Would you make a move on me?: Oh My Gosh! I am your Mom, silly!
40. Do I cross your mind at least 1 time a day? At least a thousand times a day.
I love you.