Walking into Walls

Keep on Walking Into Walls of Pain

WHAT WAS I THINKING? I don’t know why I did it, I must be a glutton for punishment. Yesterday I decided to call my musically talented daughter Wanda June Wesolowski (www.wandawesolowski.bandcamp.com) because I missed her AND because I was attending a Jason Mraz / Raining Jane concert and wanted to know if she wanted an autograph or shirt or something.
So I dialed her number. She answered asked who was calling and as soon as she heard it was her “Momma” she hung up on me.

Pain.
Agony.
A myriad of hurt feelings flooded over me. How can she hate me so much?! I have done NOTHING to harm her, I have only loved her, and she can’t even show me the kindness of a 5 minute phone call?

Of course I am human and pain, as I have earlier posted, can sometimes swiftly turn to anger. She is 19 years old. I don’t know what lies they have told her about me; I have no idea what kind of terrible things she must believe about me that would give her such resolve to remove me from her life. To ALIENATE me from her life so completely.

Words of anger flash in my mind like the flashing red lights of a train track warning barrier. Words I never want to think of in the context of any of my children. Then the flood of guilt for having mean thoughts toward her. This reminded me of the Alec Baldwin embarrassment when he made unkind remarks to his alienated daughter and they were made public. I am sure he was reacting out of pain that had burned into white hot anger. God bless the Baldwin Family, and may God forgive me for the angry thoughts I had about my daughter.

With her musical talent she tells the world how she is going to “call her Momma tonight”, she never did, so the main word I have that while I regret feeling in such a hostile fashion is HYPOCRITE. I can’t help it, I am only human. I’m deeply hurt by her refusal to communicate with me.

So the moral of this story is, walking into walls put in place by alienating custodial parents still hurts even when the child is grown, maybe it even hurts more then because there is an expectation that the mature child would at lest give you an opportunity to love again.

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The Phone Call That Still Hurts

I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t !

I think the reason for missing the signs was the BASE fact that in my heart, mind and soul I love my children more than oxygen. I felt the ties of being their mother, giving birth, my blood in their veins, my love was resonating throughout each of them with every beat of their hearts. The same way I feel this overwhelmingly unconditional love for them. I can’t imagine what insidious force could exist that could take a child and twist them so that they go from “I love you Mommy” to a completely earth shattering silence that roars loudest in my ears on days like our birthdays, holidays and especially Mothers Day. How!?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?!

My very talented daughter went from thanking me for an autograph which I literally BEGGED Jason Mraz’ for, to writing and publishing the song “momma” on her “Not a Hipster” album. To me it is both a wonderful song by a talented musician AND a scathing, hurtful, condemnation of me for sending her extraordinary gifts on occasions.

Wanda Love You Mom

I don’t know if I can thank you for, trying to make up after losing that war” … “I know that you are trying so hard, all the gifts and all the birthday cards, Momma buying love isn’t going to fix this, not tonight.”

In the space of a year she went from LOVE to ______”hate?” This transformation is visible and obvious to anyone who follows her Instagram or who heard the song “Momma”. I have to admit I love the song, not the content mind you, but the sheer talent I see in her, talent I am awestruck by even when it cuts a piece of my psyche every time I hear it.

http://wandajune.bandcamp.com/track/momma

Did she know how hurt I would be when she wrote it? Was that her goal? I hope not. Her song ends with the line “Guess I better call my Momma tonight“. The fact is I haven’t received a phone call from her in over 2 years.

The last time I heard from any of my kids who reside with my former spouse and his new wife was December 30th 2013. Just two days prior (12/28) I had texted my older daughter Libby that my New Years resolution was going to be to forgive Chuck and not pursue the money ($178,000) that he has not paid me in my divorce. I was going to try to move on. Libby said, “Mom, that is a great idea“…

On December 30th I got one of the most repugnant calls from the clan Wesolowski that I literally wanted to be sick. In the call, Chuck called me all kinds of horrible names; accused me of calling them and leaving messages (of what type I am not sure)(and which I can assure you I did not leave as I hadn’t called them since Thanksgiving 2013); of being a liar (despite the fact that, as you will soon discover, my problems exist in many ways because I tell the truth too much);  if wasn’t bad enough Stepmother Jill and her sister Robin got on the line and among other things threatened to kill me; called me “Spawn of the Devil” and much worse (I am trying to keep a G rating here so I will leave some choice terms they used out). All I kept saying was STUPIDLY “I am going to sue you!” Oh believe me, I am over 50% Irish, and I have that redhead temper, so it took a lot of restraint for me to keep my temper in check.

As angry as I was at these 3 adults (all of whom I believe are older than me) I about died when I heard my child’s voice say after the 25 minute berating I had just endured and just before the line went dead, “So let me get this straight, you are going to sue for money, but not for custody of your kids.”

At the sound of my child’s voice and those 20 words I had an emotional kaleidoscope go off in my head. Thoughts and emotions seeming to come into focus, try to take shape and then be replaced by other thoughts and emotions. The turmoil that rolled over me is nearly indescribable. At the end of what seemed like five minutes of falling through a wormhole, which I did fear I would never emerge from intact, there was a clarity.

The clarity was this; they set me up again, and I fell for it.

The secondary clarity to this moment in time was that they allowed at least one of my children to sit in and listen to such hate speech aimed my way that it sickened me beyond belief.

Again, my youngest will be 18 in ten months. There is no good reason for me to seek custody at this juncture. It would cause him more harm than good to remove him from a school he loves, and his senior year… And honestly as much as I can’t stand what his father has done to me, to take him out (even of an alienating parents home) would hurt my son, and I can’t cause him more pain than he has been through. I can’t and I won’t.

This is just one example of the pain I have been enduring at the hands of my former spouse, my former mother-in-law, his new wife and her sister since before 2001.

About this phone call, somehow I had the sensibility to grab a recorder and began recording about 2 minutes into the call. I don’t know how to post it here, but as soon as I work it out, I will at least link to it. I admit my repeatedly saying, “I am going to sue you” kinda makes me look like a money hungry gold digger, but the context in my mind was that I was 48 hours away from making it a vow to not pursue money owed to me, which brings me to my final point for this lengthy post…

LIBBY.

It was Libby who knew of my resolution, no one else. ONLY LIBBY.

Did she call them and make some inflammatory remark that set them upon that course of pain that night? You see, as much as I love Libby, I also know that she enjoys walking into a room, making one “bombshell” comment, and then stepping back to relish in the fireworks that ensue.

You think I am wrong? I’ll give you an example. She went to visit her Dad for Christmas in 2010 and wound up getting kicked out of the house by step-mother Jill because she walked into a room full of family and made a comment about one of Jill’s friends or relatives (I don’t know her family other than Robin so I have no idea if it was one of her in-laws or a friend’s husband) impregnating a woman he wasn’t married to. Jill thought she was lying about the adultery, Libby apparently made it known that it was somewhat common knowledge and Jill kicked Libby out. So Libby had to find a friend who would let her stay with them until her plane left about 36 hours later. I love my daughter but I feel she can be a dangerous person. She is a person who gets some kind of thrill out of causing damage to other people. I don’t have a clue what to do about her, she is 24, so I have no legal standing to force her into some sort of therapy, although I strongly believe she needs it.

Thanks for reading today’s entry. My laptop died so I am writing on a tab which is quite awkward. Please forgive any weird autocorrect errors or strange replacements. (Update: I have tried to fix the errors, let me know if you see anymore)

Leah Talley (Wesolowski)