This is so frustrating.

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There they are at it again.

This is so frustrating Just bickering. And here we are, right in the middle, trying to understand them. They want to tell us conflicting information and we want to die.

All, of sudden we’re like Sherlock Holmes, hunting down clues to see who’s right. And it doesn’t help that they each want to make themselves look so great, while totally bashing the other. I mean, I just want some damn clarity.

Ok, I get it. They don’t like each other. And they shouldn’t. Like they both do stupid stuff, but like, come on. I don’t really want to hear one thing one day and then something else another.

They try to keep like a million things a secret from us. Grown-up stuff or whatever, but just because they share the same friends doesn’t mean they can say someone did something, when the other says they didn’t. You can’t just stick Jim in the middle of this.  He has been a family friend for so long. Now we’re made to believe he’s taking sides!

This is so frustrating. You know what would be easier? Just add us to the group chat! We’re basically like adults now. You can tell us what you’re so mad about and not just have the divorce lawyer slip us some info while we are at school. It’s so embarrassing. Our friend Janice saw the lawyer come in and give us the memo dad left for Jim about how mom is being a total bitch and well it was just dumb and distracted me for like the whole day. And it’s all everyone is talking about now. You’re embarrassing me! And now Dad doesn’t want to tell us what mom said to Jim and we’re left so far outta of the loop!

Look, this custody battle has taken over a year. Just figure it out. We get it, you guys don’t like each other, but why do we have to be in the middle of this? I just want to go to school, hang out with my friends, and then relax at the house. I don’t need 600 tweets and texts from my friends trying to keep up with how dysfunctional my family is. That’s all I got to say. And tell Dad to stop hanging out with people who hit their girlfriends. It’s gross.

Dear Danny FLAT STANLEY

I couldn’t believe it,

I was going through old email and I found my “Flat Zack” project email I had sent for your class project MANY years ago.  It was really Flat Stanley but yours was named Zack for some reason.

Here it is

flatstanley

I know that you believe that I didn’t do this project because someone told you I didn’t care. They are wrong, I did it and I will always care.

 

The Nature of an Abusive Spouse/Narcissists

A snake asked a man walking up a steep mountain to carry him to the top.

The man said he couldn’t because the snake would bite him.

The snake promised to be good.

The man carried the snake to the top upon their arrival the snake immediately bit the man.

The man said you promised to be good.

The snake said you knew my nature all along and for some reason you expected me to not act in my nature, just because I promised.  All things will act in their true nature unless it benefits them to hide their true nature. I lived up to my true nature when you were no longer of use to me…

At that the man, who was a survivor and tired of all the poison in this world, flung the snake off the mountain where he was crushed to death by the fall. The man then sought out help for the poisoned bite.

After a time the man made it to a first aid station where he recieved help from people who cared for other mountain climbers.  Since they were brave enough to live in the mountains in order to help others the man would live and after some time would recover.

After his recovery he decided to always carry a snake bite kit with him in order to help anyone he may meet harmed by a snake.

I took an old proverb and added a happy ending.  It is what I hope we alienated family members can start doing as we move through life.  How many times have you overheard someone speaking ill of a non-custodial spouse?  How many times have you remained silent, even if you knew the other party wasn’t the “BAD PERSON” s/he was being made to seem like?  Vow to carry a snake bite kit with you, and to have the courage to toss the snakes off their mountains.             Leah Talley


 

Parental Alienation Damages a Child DEEPLY, Wounds that will Affect the Adult S/He Becomes…

This past week I have been struggling about blogging my life. One of my kids says she hates reading about her family here… I know it hurts her and I know she probablly feels compelled to read anyway.

I feel I must continue blogging here because I run across so many people on a daily basis facing choices I once made; facing outcomes that might hurt all the people they love, and I think my experiences might help them avoid mistakes that can’t be undone mistakes known by experts in PAS & High Conflict Divorces (HCD)  shown, known and proven to cause serious, sometimes PERMANENT, psychological trauma to kids and parents in high conflict divorce cases (HCD}.

If you’ve been reading here before then you know that I feel that sometimes a parent isn’t alienating the child/ren on purpose; sometimes they are just so full of pain over the break-up they can’t bring themselves to be respectful…  Talking about the other parent in a positive light is actually impossible when one is hurting so badly… and alienation can occur subconsciously.  However, once a parent understands that their behavior, comments, and preventing  contact so that normal healthy parent/child relationships can continue to exist, is harming not just their ex, but also damaging the children, well then we move to a different level. We may be leaving kids in the care of a cruel and possibly dangerous person… One who doesn’t care about the child’s self esteem, or who places their own feelings above those others.  This is the person who should face sanctions, possibly criminal charges for child abuse.  That is EXACTLY what this behavior is; Child Abuse.

Signs of parental alienation include:

  • Bad-mouthing the other parent to the children
  • Limiting contact
  • Erasing the parent from the children’s lives
  • Forcing the children to reject the other parent
  • Forcing the children to choose sides
  • Creating the impression the other parent is dangerous (yes I just said the alternator is the dangerous one…)
  • Belittling comments to the other parent in front of the children
  • Calling the children to testify against the other parent
  • Convincing the children the other parent is creating financial hardship on the family
  • Spreading rumors and lies to community members which make it difficult, if not impossible, for the other parent to remain within the family’s previous shared community.
  • Making criminal allegations to law enforcement causing legal issues and sometimes incarceration when there is no validity to the charges; or the charges emanate from legal activity prior to divorce or separation.

My son believes that I stole from his father, he says he was shown proof.  I have asked to see this proof to no avail. I’m left to believe either it doesn’t exist, or may be easily refuted once I can see what was shown to him.  Proving a negative is almost impossible.  However making sense of documents,  providing legitimate reasons specific papers exist, is quite simple. Showing a kid some stock trades or line item purchases without giving background, or dates, (perhaps a married couple decision to make a purchase, now being twisted into a theft by the outsider) whatever the case may be, if their was a CRIME COMMITTED then the District Attorney would file charges, a criminal trial would ensue, and the truth would come out because unlike family court, criminal court has due process and burdens of proof to satisfy.  How is a child supposed to have the critical thinking skills required to question legitimacy of these types of accusations?  S/he can’t s/he just believes it or not.

MY HIGHEST CRIME:

ONE DAY while I was still married I did something out of anger that I knew was wrong. I charged 100 pizzas to his card and had them delivered to his former workplace with a nice greeting. $500.  is no felony. People enjoyed it and I felt a little less angry that day.

Yup I did that.

Leah

 

 

– See more at: http://www.natlawreview.com/article/parental-alienation#sthash.bSissCTq.dpuf

Divorce, kids, and what they need to know … — Kimela Kluthe, LMFT

Don’t drown your kids in your memories

So you’re going through a divorce and one of you really is the victim – or so you think. You were cheated on. You were abused. I get it. You were wronged in some way. And you have children with this person … We all know that we’re not supposed to tell our kids the […]

via Divorce, kids, and what they need to know … — Kimela Kluthe, LMFT

Being Stuck by Walter Singleton

https://waltersingletons.wordpress.com/Well, today I feel stuck. Just absolutely stuck. The pain of missing my children is always there to some degree, but today more than anything I feel completely FRUSTRATED. Helpless. I know where my…

Source: 9/20/16 – Being Stuck

Give Them Time, They Will Come Around

Once upon a time there lived a family. A kind man married A lovely woman and they had two children.

Sadly not every happy family can make it forever and so, this family began to fall apart when their two children were in their formidable teenage years.

In the early years both children enjoyed a close and loving relationship with both of their parents. However, when the bitterness of divorce began spreading its ugly roots within their once very happy home, the teenage children began to show distain for their father. It was inexplicable the amount of anger and hate these two loving children now held out for their father. On every issue they seemed to solely side with their mother, even the tiniest thing like what to watch on TV or where to go for dinner. If these kids believed that their mother would not like the places or choices, then neither did these teenage children. They would often refuse to spend time with their father, eat dinner with their father, or even watch television with their once cherished dad.

Prior to The failure of the marriage the kids had a close, loving relationship with both of their parents. Now their father was a loathsome creature, not worthy of consideration, care or love.
Once the divorce was final, the children completely cut their father out of their lives. They also renounced all ties with their paternal family. As well as daddy’s friends from around town.

Heartbroken, he could not understand how children he loved so deeply could turn their back on him in such a way?! How could they forget him on Father’s Day?! His birthday?! pretty much every day? His friends said, “give them time, they will come around you will see” … But they never did, until one day when his worst fear was realized.
Yes, he had just learned he had cancer, his time on earth was short.

He now reeled in the pain of regret. He was suddenly overwhelmed with regretful sadness of not BEING THERE because of their attitude towards him. Suddenly He regretted as he realized he had a right to attend every birthday, that he had not insisted upon attending even the smallest event even if it meant watching quietly from the back of the room, without drawing undue attention. He regretted missing things like graduation, their first play, their wedding day, and the birth of his grandchildren. He missed it all because he was “Waiting for them to come around”.

The pain of his suffering didn’t bode well in his battle against the big “C”. He suffered now not only from cancer but from depression as well.
A friend of the family took it upon himself to call his children to tell them it was time.

Now as adults, they rallied around him and he was in awe of them. His love for his children left him in tears every night when they left the hospital. He hung on every word they spoke, memorized every story that they told, each memory recalled, or thing they joked about; all the time he had missed “Waiting for Them to Come Around” was now laid before him by two strangers he now knew less about than he knew about his attending nurse.

Before his diagnosis he had been seeing a woman and really enjoyed her company. He asked her to marry him just two days before those terrible test results came back, she had agreed, but no date was set due to his diagnosis and the sudden the appearance of his formerly lost children. They seem to permeate every aspect of his now cut short life. They took over and routed her out. He was unable or unwilling to to limit this sudden attention of his adult children in this the final stage of his life. So every day he laid back and memorized everything about his long lost children. All the while forsaking the love of his present. Why should he care about the future? He reasoned for he had no future. It was this sudden, unexpected, and long dreamed about arrival in his present that he was so stunned by that really nothing else mattered to him. Forsaking all others, he simply watched his children as he rapidly faded and died.

Because of state laws the actual people in charge of the funeral where his children. Even though they knew nothing of his desires for internment. they had not asked him if he wanted to be buried or cremated, and once again due to his amazement of their sudden appearance in his life, he never mentioned how he wanted his funeral handled. Even if he had told them how he wanted his body handled or how he wanted his estate handled, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have cared. He was after all nothing more than a stranger whom they shared genetic code with . They really didn’t remember him from their childhood. He had not attended any important events and didn’t even know their spouses so they thought nothing of having him cremated and throwing his ashes in the middle of a lake. How were they to know that he could not even swim?

The next day, the children cleaned out their father’s home . Swiftly, carelessly removing items that were quite obviously items belonging to his fiancé. They placed everything with the state seller who could get rid of all of his stuff within a week and for a nominal fee. Next they hired a real estate agent sold his property and split the money three ways mom and two kids.

No one thought about his parents, their paternal family. Sadly they hadn’t seen or cared to hear from their father’s parents, their own grandparents, in years. The grandparents did not get to attend the funeral, did not get to say goodbye to their son, and in fact they never again saw their grandchildren.

Sadly, they learned of their sons death by reading an obituary in the newspaper mailed by a friend some 10 days after the funeral.

They weren’t really that close to him but they definitely loved him. They always sent their grandchildren birthday, Christmas, and other occasional cards with money inside. They did this despite never receiving A card, a return reply, “Thank You” call or correspondence. Their son wrote to them often but since his divorce had remained aloof.

One friend said: “Who disowns their own grandmother?”

Alienated children, that’s who.

They came back into their father’s life just long enough to benefit from his death; conveniently showing up so that hospital staff and social workers would defer to his kids instead of a truly involved, mother, father, sister, brother, fiancé or other relative for his final wishes. Oh, They came around all right, just not in the way he thought they would.

I’m sure, in the mind of an alienated child, this is acceptable and maybe even normal behavior. After all they were taught daddy is a lowlife and he ruined our family so now they’re going to get what they feel they deserve.

That concept is One of the most frightening and abhorrent things about Parental Alienation victims behaviors: it is mystifying and wrong in every aspect. No matter if you’re the alienator, the alienated or an adult, untreated, child of acrimonious divorce, you do not comprehend A true family unit or fully understand how families should work, Sadly many of you do you not know at all what real love is like.

It isn’t just the children who need help it’s the alienator the ex-spouse, or even someone else involved in the situation such as an in-law or a stepparent if they participate in alienating behavior they need help. The estranged ex-spouse certainly needs help, and don’t ever forget the children because they are our future and if they don’t know how to love this world is in serious trouble.

the children think their behavior is natural and ordinary. Is it typical for a person to disown half of their family? When you’ve been raised by an alienating parent, unfortunately, the answer is yes Source: Waiting until illness descends upon a Targeted Parent

Parental Alienation is TRAUMA

Losing A Parent is Childhood Trauma

The popular press has reported many stories about adults who suddenly remember having been abused as children. Some media reports have emphasized the unusual circumstances or content of such recovered memories while other reports have declared that the “recovery” of memories of abuse is false for a variety of reasons. Little in the press, however, has dealt with the science relating to memories of childhood trauma. 

The International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies

is working on life affecting issues arising from trauma exposure of many origins.  According to their research memories can not only be false, but they can be planted by others!

Q: Are Recovered Memories Always Accurate?

Scientists believe that recovered memories – including recovered memories of childhood trauma – are not always accurate. When people remember childhood trauma and later say their memory was wrong, there is no way to know which memory was accurate – the one that claims the trauma happened or the one that claims it did not.

Q: How Might False Memories Develop?

A great deal of laboratory research involving normal people in everyday situations demonstrates that memory is not perfect. Evidence shows that memory can be influenced by other people and situations; that people can make up stories to fill in memory gaps, and that people can be persuaded to believe they heard, saw or experienced events that did not really happen. Studies also reveal that people who have inaccurate memories can strongly believe they are true.

Sad man in space

Alone in Space

 

Q: Is it Possible to Forget Childhood Trauma?

People forget names, dates, faces and even entire events all the time. But is it possible to forget terrible experiences such as being raped? Or beaten? The answer is yes – under certain circumstances. For more than a hundred years, doctors, scientists and other observers have reported the connection between trauma and forgetting. But only in the past 10 years have scientific studies demonstrated a connection between childhood trauma and amnesia.

Most scientists agree that memories from infancy and early childhood – under the age of two or three – are unlikely to be remembered. Research shows that many adults who remember being sexually abused as children experienced a period when they did not remember the abuse. Scientists also have studied child victims at the time of a documented traumatic event, such as sexual abuse, and then measured how often the victims forget these events as they become adults. They discovered that some people do forget the traumatic experiences they had in childhood, even though it was established fact that the traumatic events occurred.

Q: What Makes People Remember a Traumatic Event after Such a Long Delay?

At the time of a traumatic event, the mind makes many associations with the feelings, sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch connected with the trauma. Later, similar sensations may trigger a memory of the event. While some people first remember past traumatic events during therapy, most people begin having traumatic memories out side therapy.

A variety of experiences can trigger the recall. Reading stories about other people’s trauma, watching television programs that depict traumatic events similar to the viewer’s past ex perience, experiencing a disturbing event in the present, or sitting down with family and reminiscing about a terrible shared episode – for some people, these kinds of experiences can open the floodgates of frightful and horrible memories.

The Missing Years

Source: The Missing Years

The Missing Years

Alienation is a cruel experience because it removes from a child or young person the opportunity to engage with all of the aspects of people who love them in ways that enable them to accept that people can do good and bad things.  It causes children and young people to adopt coping mechanisms of cutting out or running off, of avoidance of conflict and of heightened self righteousness in the wrong place at the wrong time. In the brain of the child, the critical firing of neurons and synapses fails to take place and the opportunity to build conflict resolution skills, perspective and a strong sense of self is lost. The false self  which emerges through the missing years when a child is alienated is a ghost like persona, fragile and uncertain, masking fears and anxieties and a sense of self which is both over inflated and crumbling all at the same time.  What happens to children and young people who are pushed into an alienation reaction is that so much more is lost than the relationship with a once loved parent. That is why prevention of this harm done to children is so essential, those missing years steal more than love from a parent, they steal the very chance a child has to build a normal and secure sense of self.

I work with children who are being alienated, who are alienated and who are struggling to recover from alienation. I meet them almost daily in my work and I understand that what they are experiencing is a complex trauma which is deeply hidden from the outside world. So well hidden in fact that most of the children I work with do not know it is there and most of them would tell me and anyone else who asks them that they do not need help thank you very much, apart from help in removing the target of their hatred from their lives.  Work in such circumstances is counter intuitive, it is against the grain of what we are taught in our society and what we believe about children.  A child’s decision to eradicate a  parent is often accepted on the basis that the parent must have done something bad or that the child needs to be protected from conflict. If we only knew what we were condemning children to when we allow this to happen, many more of us would work harder, strive longer and find more creative ways of keeping children engaged with the parent they have ‘chosen’ to be rid of in their lives.

There is increasing evidence which  demonstrates that the underlying problems which arise as a result of rejecting a parent, leaves the  child carrying a burden which grows heavier as they get older.  Children who are allowed to reject a parent and pretend that the parent no longer exists, fail to learn many  soft skills that are essential in life if one is to navigate the relational world successfully. Children who have been alienated grow up believing that only their perspective on the world is the true reality and that avoiding people who do not share their world view is a normal way to behave. As young people grow, those missing years of relationship with a parent means that they do not have the opportunity to learn that parents are people who provide boundaries and they miss the chance to respond normally to the differences which are eventually expressed between parents and  their children on the road through to adulthood.  This is why alienated children will eventually struggle. The vital relationships with provide them with the opportunity for healthy brain development which in turn gives them sound relational skills and capacity have been cut out of their lives.  If only those working with families in these circumstances knew the extent of the damage being inflicted when a child’s ‘decision’ to reject a parent after separation is being upheld.

Recovery from being alienated is about being able to learn that people can behave in ways which are good and bad and that those behaviours do not need to trigger a defence mechanism of believing that bad behaviour means a person is wholly bad. This is an extraordinary task to achieve if the capacity of the brain is limited because a person has been using the coping mechanism of psychological splitting.  There is evidence that people with personality disorders for example, do not have a well developed corpus callosum. This is a bridge which divides the two hemispheres of the brain and which is made up of a bundle of fibres which enable communication between the two sides of the brain. A well developed bridge assists with a balanced use of the brain, in studies however, people withborderline personality disorder are seen as having a less developed corpus callosum, as are those with high conflict personalities who lack the relational skills to see other people’s perspectives.

All of this evidence is convincing us at the Family Separation Clinic that what we see in children and young people who are attempting to reject or resist contact with a parent after separation are behaviours which will, if they are upheld, lead to longer term problems for the children concerned. Problems which will not be readily resolved because the missing years of that parental relationship and the lack of resolution of the child’s efforts to utilise a coping mechanism which is harmful,  leads to a  lasting gap in the child’s capacity to achieve positive and healthy brain function.  Fortunately we also know that about the plasticity of the brain and its capacity to continue to grow and change. Which means that whilst those missing years can never be regained, there is a possibility for repair and recovery should the young person be enabled to resolve the splitting which prevents reconnection to the lost loved one.

Missing years, missing knowledge, missing opportunities to prevent harm being done to children in the critical years of their lives.  Isn’t it time that someone noticed that the gap which opens up between parents after separation causes children to have to deal with something more than conflict?

This is another Huffington Post Blog for W/C February 15 2016

I AM THE ALIENATOR

I AM THE ALIENATOR
by
Karen Woodall

I am an alienator. You know me well. You lived with me once and you witnessed my behavior patterns but you did not spend time studying and internalizing them. I know your behavior patterns better than you know them yourself. I know how to measure you, test you and control you. I know what your hooks are and I know that the depth of the love for your children is a weakness I can exploit. I am an emotional terrorist. I will terrify you into submission. You will do as I tell you to do, if you do not, I will take your children away.

I am an alienator, you didn’t notice that when we lived together but I began my work long before we went our separate ways. I created fissures and fractures within our family and I managed and manipulated reality, though for a long time you did not notice that.

I am an alienator, at times in the past you felt a chill wind blow through you when my moods changed as I raged and then sweet talked you to smooth the ripples in your growing awareness. My mind is distorted but the projection of shadows causes you to believe it is yours which has failed you. Eventually you came to believe that it was you and not I who was crazy. You shivered as I turned down the gas light.

When you appeal to the outside world for assistance I will turn my most charming face to the sun and open my arms wide and beseech them to believe that I only want the best for my children. I will widen my eyes and up turn my palms and say ‘what can I do when they don’t want to see you’ and suck into my airspace all those who attempt to bring change to the lives of the weapons I know I can use.

My children are assets, collateral, extensions of plans that I make to wreak my revenge upon people who challenge my views or attempt to remove the control that I have in my life.

My children are satellites orbiting sunshine coming only from me – you could never compete with the warmth that I wind around each of their hearts so that only my love is enough; making yours surplus, not needed, discarded like clothes that you bought and I won’t let them wear.

I am all that they need.

You are not.

When our love ended my rage recruited our children to a campaign of
revenge that joins us together against you.

In my mind your betrayal awakened the traumas of people long dead and ignited the fuse that lead to the bomb that blew up our lives. Now, the souls of our children are hostage to wrongs which come howling from hell and you are helpless to hold back the tide which will sweep you and they to the death that is living with losing your children whilst they are still breathing. Your loss not mine which you and not I will have to survive.
Sometimes you mirror me, two perfect projections that weave webs of destruction that sever our children in two, one side light, one side dark, you there in the shadows.

But mostly it is because I cannot see my behaviours, I am blind to the sight of myself in the mirror. The only reflection I need is the love of my children to feed me and give me a sense of my self which I lost even before I was born.

I am the alienator, annihilator, terminator. My aim is to end, by fair means or foul, your place in the hearts and the lives of your children.
I am easily spotted by those who know me but invisible to those who do not. You will spend your time, your energy and money telling them I am behind this whilst I smile and continue to shred the trust our children once held in you. I am an alienator even when I do not know it and the failure to see the shadows I cast in the projections I throw onto you, is the fault of a system so blinded by bias it is frozen like the minds of our children, the children being harmed right under the noses of those who should know how to help them but sadly, do not.

In the plain sight of you and of them, the lives of the children you love are stolen, erased and extinguished.

And your anguish and pain are the gifts that I treasure.

And your suffering compensates for the things I perceive you to have done.

And whilst chaos reigns and the system colludes with my delusions, the power I seek remains mine.

Along with the children.

Whose eyes are wide open but able to see nothing at all.